Dear Dr. Neimeyer,
My husband died in November. He was in his early 40s. We were together nearly 25 years; he was my other half. We did everything together. It is so hard for me. All I do is cry. I know that’s not going to bring him back but I’m so heartbroken. It is like I’m dying inside. Each day I talk to him and I get goose bumps on my right arm and my hand gets numb. Is that a sign? Is it true that they come to you? I just wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. How can I live without him? It’s killing me.
Netta
Dear Netta,
Although we live in a culture that emphasizes individualism, the reality is that we are wired for attachment. As the feeling of yearning that you express poignantly conveys, we need others—and particularly a few “special” others—to feel whole. This is why one common feature of profound grief is the sense that a part of ourselves has died; in a psychologically real sense, it has. To lose a partner so early in life reduces us, and even our earnest attempts to retain a connection to him or her can feel like a pallid alternative to the gift of our loved one’s full presence. Learning to live with this very present absence often requires a considerable effort over time.
For all of these reasons, intense grief alone is not something pathological, something to be worried about. Certainly missing our deceased loved ones keenly and experiencing tearfulness when we think about them is common early in mourning, and probably occurs in proportion to our love. But as you move into your 7th or 8th month of bereavement, if you find that the tears are a constant companion and that pleasure is a stranger, if you seem to have lost touch with the uniquely valuable aspects of yourself, if you find yourself cutting off from others and having trouble functioning at home or at work, and especially if things seem to be getting worse rather than better, then consciously taking steps to reclaim your life may be in order.
So, what to do if this description seems to fit? One thing is to follow your instincts to talk with your husband, not only about your missing him—though that surely would be part of it—but also to share the highlights of your day, discuss your plans for the week, or solicit his advice about an important decision you are facing. AfterTalk can provide a portal for just this sort of communication: messages that affirm life as well as loss. Just as a weekly phone call to a parent or child living in another state naturally would include conversations about interesting and important updates on your activities, so too can a written letter to your husband continue to include him as an audience to your life in a way he might appreciate, not only in a way that would cause him concern. Your letter even suggests that you believe he may have a spiritual presence in your life, missing you in return. If so, you might sit quietly for a moment after writing and re-reading your letter, and try to sense what his response might be. Giving it voice in a letter written back to yourself can help strengthen your bond, and perhaps even offer you helpful advice and encouragement on setting aside your grief at times in order to reengage other people and projects. Though it is not a panacea for the pain of loss, reaffirming a living bond as a part—though not the entirety—of life can help ensure that the second six months after the loss is not merely a darker version of the first.
Dr. Neimeyer
I just lost my husband to cover. We were married 69 years . How do I go on. Im so lost. Nighttime is scary for me. Please help me
We are both named Sharon.
We were together 50 years. He was a special person, as anyone who knew him would tell you. We were “different” from average people. We had a very deep bond. We were always together. He was also my only friend. I never realized that he was the one who made my life worth living.
Worse yet, I blame myself for his dying because I know there were many times when I should have call the doctor, like when he stopped eating. He would still be alive if I had done so. I can’t explain why I didn’t do what I should have.
My world is all black. Plus he had no insurance and I can barely scrap by with the little I have been left. We were planning to leave this awful place I am now condemned to live in. He took my life with him. There is nothing left.
And to those people who say it gets better, well in my case it doesn’t. Each day is worse than the one before. I am as alone as a person could be. The silence is deafening.
I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my husband August 11th. We have been married and together over 30yrs. He is my world. I hope God takes me sooner than later so we can be together again.
How can you dictate at what point she should not be crying every day? Everyone experiences grief differently and to place your perceived expectations on her is not right
I wish I could help everyone, because that is my nature. But I am feeling the same after losing my husband of 37 1/2 years.
I can’t feel better because he’s not here. I don’t want anyone to tell me it will get better. It doesn’t. Life drags on without him and his perpetual silliness and devotion.
I have no life without him. We were almost like 2 people in one. Days are horrible; nights worse. There was no one else who even understands me. I hate where I live and there was insurance so basically I’m a poor widow.
I still get up to tell him something that I found on the Internet etc. and have to stop myself because he isn’t here.
All I can see are long, lonely years ahead. And we were just on the edge of finding another place to live when he suddenly passed. And that’s not even possible now.
Linda I am wondering if you are living in the same place you two spent your lives. It is hell for me living here because he is all over the place, if you know what I mean. Never thought I would end up in this living hell.