After sudden death of a husband; finding meaning in life

Dear Dr. Neimeyer,

Six months ago my partner of 47 years died suddenly. We have no children and have always been very close and spent a lot of time together. This would have been our first real year of retirement together and we were looking forward to growing old together, just enjoying our free time and everyday things.  Now he’s gone I can find absolutely no meaning in life. Everyday I wake feeling panicky and dreading the day ahead. Throughout the day I’m hurt and upset over and over again at the thought of how he died, suddenly and at what we’ve both lost.

I’m not lonely but completely alone- I don’t want lots of people around , I just want him and the companionship we always had. Sharing news, a joke, gossip, a meal .

I try to keep busy during the day but there’s so little to do and the evenings are unbearable, by about 8.30 I can’t stand it any longer and go to bed. Then the next day I get up and have to do it all over again. What is the point?

People keep telling me “I’ll feel better in time,” but I’ve spoken to bereaved friends and neighbors, and most of them don’t feel better. One friend said 4 years after losing her husband she feels worse than ever. At 65 the prospect of years of this is unbearable, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Help please!  Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,

As you can well imagine, no simple advice can assuage the pain of losing a life partner who had become a soul mate, especially in circumstances like yours where no children or grandchildren exist to share your grief, and potentially provide supportive lifelines to re-connect with life in the ways that remain possible.  Just as you imply, the loneliness you feel in the wake of this unique loss is not simply a social loneliness that calls for “staying busy,” helpful though that may sometimes be, but rather is a form of emotional loneliness that reaches much deeper into our hearts and souls, from which we are not easily distracted.  The “panic” that you feel is also very real, stemming from a kind of separation distress that nearly all bereaved persons feel when they lose someone who was their “secure base” in the world, the person to whom they would naturally turn for consolation, comfort and care.

So, what might you do to recover a life that, as you say, has meaning?  Here a few suggestions, offered in full recognition that that there is no simple prescription for rebuilding life when the one we had was lost.
1.  Watch for the small changes.  Being as honest with yourself as you can be, do you notice any improvement in your sleep, any recovery of a capacity for positive emotions, any return of hope in the 6 months since your husband’s death?  This is not to say that you “should” be feeling greatly better—relearning how to live after devastating loss can be a much longer process than that sentiment suggests.  But if after half a year you see no signs of improvement in any quarter, then you may be headed into a form of “complicated” or “prolonged” grief that time alone will not heal.  Seeing a therapist who specializes in bereavement care could then become a high priority.
2.  Stay engaged.  This implies something more than “staying busy,” although both involve pushing yourself to go beyond the self-seclusion and shut-down that might seem like a temporary refuge from the pain.  Instead, real engagement implies involvement in activity that matters.  If it seems that “nothing matters” after your husband’s death, that may be much of the problem, calling for a sincere effort to connect to people, projects, and places that carry meaning for you, either by rediscovering those that once were a source of joy and purpose to you, or by discovering new ones.  What values, causes, communities of belonging or interest helped give value to your life and your husband’s?  What might he suggest you do, were you to invite his ongoing advice to you?  How might you tap into these sources of meaning now, and who might join you in this project?
3.  Choose life.  Your passive death wish—to go to sleep and never awaken—is common in complicated grief, as it also is in depression.  But it is also concerning.  If you seem to be frozen in your adaptation to this deeply unsettling transition, consider consulting a physician as well as a therapist, adding possible antidepressant treatment to your grief therapy.  Countless others have been helped by the right combination of the two, and have resisted the siren song of suicide to create the safe space needed to put down new roots in the soil of a new life.  Like any form of transplanting, this one needs careful cultivation to be successful; a neglected plant deprived of water and nutrients will surely wither.  Reach out for professional as well as social support to give yourself the care needed to again thrive in a changed world.
Dr. Neimeyer

145 thoughts on “After sudden death of a husband; finding meaning in life”

  1. Louise McOrmond-Plummer

    Dear Yvonne,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My wonderful husband, Ken, died 2 years ago, and I so get you when you speak of loss of purpose, and of not being lonely for people in general, but for your man, and for the thousand little intimacies you shared on a daily basis. The losses are immeasurable. Six months is very very early days. I imagine it’s somewhat alarming to hear that other grieving people aren’t feeling better, but, Yvonne, “better” is a term I prefer not to use. I do think it gets “different” – ways of living with this occur to us, and they do sometimes ease the pain even a little bit. It’s also quite normal to have periods of feeling “worse” again – they’re the “ups and downs” grieving people speak of. I also think that “You’ll feel better with time” is a platitude – time alone does NOT, in my opinion, improve anything. There is more than that required. I also understand the sense of pointlessness about waking up the next day when you know it will be the same… the only thing I can offer from experience is that this shifts when I build little things to look forward to into a day or a week.

    I had never sewn in my life, but within 4 months of my husband’s death, I decided to learn to make a quilt from his clothes. I decided to raise money for research into the rare cancer that killed him, and also adopted rescue cats. These things do not make up in any way for not having our beloved husbands – and they aren’t mean to – they can just make it a little bit less horrible to carry, and can generate a few smiles in a time when we perhaps feel we will never smile again. There were (and are) are still plenty of the (perfectly normal) dark days, but I thank god for the beams of light I’ve been able to see. And of course, grief brings with it what is – to me and others I’ve spoken to – a dreadful physical and mental fatigue; terms like “rebuilding your life” can feel huge and cumbersome. But re-engaging with life (one that we didn’t ask for and don’t feel that we want) doesn’t have to involve huge expenditure of energy; it can be browsing the net for crafting ideas for Christmas gifts. It might be as simple as deciding you’ll be kind to yourself and actually refuse an invitation that doesn’t feel right.

    Yvonne, darling, I had shocking anxiety, panic and insomnia after my husband passed, – for all the reasons Dr. Neimeyer mentions – and one of the best choices I made was to seek medication and counselling. Medication does not take away the grief, it just makes the uglies that go with it a bit easier to handle. Everybody who has suffered from them knows that anxiety and insomnia feed each other, and make anything else that much harder to cope with. I also sought out, and luckily found, a beautiful counsellor, who affirms even the smallest movement forward I make, as well as the fact that I will love Ken till my dying day and beyond. If you seek counselling, please make sure that the counsellor is conversant with grief and loss, and will not put time-tables on you for “feeling better.” You may want to ask them if they understand “continuing bonds” – and I don’t want to assume you don’t understand what that means, Yvonne, but in case you don’t, it basically means that while a loved one has died, our relationship with them hasn’t. You can have an ongoing, loving relationship with your husband. While it may look radically different than the one you had, it IS still a relationship, and it can grow and evolve over time. You have the right to find what will be the best “fit” for you and your situation.

    When Ken died, I felt that I had lost my reason for living, until I understood that he can still be my reason for deciding to live; I also believe that he is doing this journey with me. At two years in, my evenings more than any other time of day are still crappy, and I do find sometimes that deciding I’ll call a trusted friend after I’ve washed the dishes can help.

    Lots of love and all the best in this rough journey, Yvonne. Have all the support you can get – you deserve it – and keep coming back to this site – several things I’ve read here have made a difference. And if you are interested in reading, Megan Devine’s book, ”
    It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay,” is one of the best books I can recommend.

    Louise xxoo

    1. Samantha Hatcher

      Thank you for posting this. I too am trying to cope with the loss of my husband of 12 years. He was murdered and taken from me on July 4th. It’s only been a month and people look at me like what’s wrong with me and aren’t I over it yet. I also feel like I have nothing left to get outta bed in the morning for but your post gave me a little bit of hope that I might find a little bit of joy to keep me going and that it’s okay to not be okay and that no one can tell you when you should be okay.

    2. You have put into words all that I am experiencing right now. I lost my husband to cancer 8 months ago. Still can’t believe it. The healthiest person and within 18 months everything was lost. Such a healthy vibrant person.
      I am experiencing all the emotions you have described. Very difficult indeed

      1. My mother the same gone within 5 weeks of the diagnosed. Oct 2019 she was gone . Now my Husband this past June 24.
        Lone Lonley. My husband gone hurts worse then my mom. We were very much in love

      2. My husband die after been told he had tell bowels Cancer.its very so upset but god has him now.he was in pain.he die on his own as he didn’t want me there.when took last breath away.which I want to be there.god bless.the way I’m coping is thank God he not in pain any more he was 63yrs

      3. I lost my husband 3 months ago December 23rd while just arriving at our holiday apartment for Christmas Christmas and New year was terrible for myself and son but now looking back I must have been in shock because now I just am feeling sad every day I’m crying at the least thing keep saying This can’t have happened as he was happy and healthy He went to bed and I was woken up with him trying to breath He passed from Aortic aneurysm rupture so suddenly My head is all over the place And I’m so lost and trying to be as strong as I can for my son Life is so hard now and I honestly can see myself moving forward to my future

    3. I just lost my husband of 31 years 4 days ago. He went to sleep and never woke up. I want to die. I hate it here. The pain is unbearable. What is the purpose of all of This? Why couldn’t I have gone first, or at least go Now? How cruel to be left behind!

      1. My husband just passed on Christmas. We have been together for 19 years. He died in his sleep from a heart attack. I feel the same way as you do. I was so mad at god for taking him away from me. I am so numb and tired. I know he isn’t suffering anymore. I didn’t get to say goodbye and that bothers me.

        1. I had the feeling towards God as you when my mother passed a few years ago I didn’t think I’d ever stop crying couldn’t sleep couldn’t eat for weeks BUT my husband of 30 years died 3 months ago in the hospital within one week he had an illness that we knew nothing about. On the second day he was there the doctor called me and I was also in a different hospital with two broken hips so I wasn’t able to be there with my husband they set it up to where my husband Paul could talk to me and he said to me hey I love you and I said it back and then he says to me baby they said that I was dying I said what no way he said yes sweetheart don’t worry I love you. All I could say was ‘GOD if you are real you”ĺ not let this happen’. After my husband died I wasn’t crying as hard as I did when he told me. In my head I kept saying GOD I begged you and voice in my head said to me over and over “please he’s no longer sick and he knew he was.”
          So Don’t Be Mad At GÒD or JESUS

        2. My husband died in his sleep last night heart failure it’s only been a day but i haven’t been sleep and I’m off three days from work I need to get back to work to stay busy

          1. So sorry for your loss. My husband died 3 months ago and I still struggle and cry everyday. I went back to work after 5 days and it helped me. My prayers are with you

      2. I lost my husband of 50 years on 25 October 2021, one month after our 50th wedding anniversary and 11 days after my 70th birthday. We took our dogs for a walk in the woods, I did a slightly longer walk and my husband took our older dog a slightly shorter walk, then we would meet and walk back to the car together. On this afternoon my husband did not meet half way, I assumed the older dog was being slow. As walked up the path I saw the dog and wondered where my husband was, then I saw his legs sticking out from the brambles. As soon as I reached him I knew he was dead by his colour, he also had a bad bump on his head where he fell, he had a cardiac arrest, it was at that moment my life ended. I loved him so much, to the exception of having friends, we had each other. Every night I see his lifeless body with the dog sitting by him, we didn’t say goodbye. I can’t sleep, or eat, and I feel so sad that he is missing his life which he enjoyed, a kind gentle man with loads of love in his heart. I miss him so very much, I am alive, but not living. I do not want to carry on. Like you I wish I had gone first.

          1. Lost my husband After 51 years married..I feel I died with life is not the same..I miss him so much I cry going into his room were he spent most of his day..can not touch his things..cry immediately . It has been 3 years and you just do not get over just live threw it. I still find it hard to believe he is feels unreal..thIs being alone for the first time is beyond terrible! The life of a widow is dreadful . I pray that with time I will accept he is really gone,

        1. I am so sorry for your loss. My ex husband died last Friday. He was the love of my life. I am devastated. My daughters will not have their father for all those milestones, marriage, children,.
          I have been depressed and anxious for years. I would like to endmy life but will not because it would hurt my children so much.

        2. I am so sorry for your loss. My ex husband died last Friday. He was the love of my life. I am devastated. My daughters will not have their father for all those milestones, marriage, children,.
          I have been depressed and anxious for years. I would like to endmy life but will not because it would hurt my children so much.

        3. I am so sorry for your loss. My ex husband died last Friday. He was the love of my life. I am devastated. My daughters will not have their father for all those milestones, marriage, children,.
          I have been depressed and anxious for years. I would like to endvmy life but will not because it would hurt my children so much.

        4. Oh Sandra, I can say that I know exactly how you’re feeling.
          My husband died suddenly in hospital in December 2019, just after I spoke to him on the phone. I found out later that it was from negligence.
          We were married for 51 years, and he was the kindest, most loving and caring person. I have MS and he cared gor me.
          Since his death I’ve continued to grieve for him, and I’m still stuck back on the day of his death. I just don’t know how to heal. My life was taken away from me on that fateful day. I’ve become an angry person and that’s just not me.

          1. So sorry foryour loss
            I lost my husband recently 25th march 2023 I’m heart broken lost devasted struggling I don’t want to be here
            Suppose to be low risk operation
            I had spoken to my husband that morning visited in the evening
            But the next day was poorly never recovered I’m struggling with it all
            I cry constant not fair after 54 years so hard want to just go asleep

          2. Yes exactly how I’m feeling
            Yes I feel as though I can’t control my feelings from lost to rage
            Not what I want

        5. My grown daughter said when Daddy died we didn’t have the chance to say goodbye and because of the way he died, suddenly, while jogging, which he did for 50 years, 42 years to the day we met, January 4, 2022, he died less than a half mile from me while I was home waiting for him to return to take me to the chiropractor. Just like that. Like he jogged into eternity and I had no idea. My daughter feels I a support group of people who experienced a love one’s death is different from the way we experience his. It doesn’t go away. Wanting to know and not knowing he was stepping into afterlife while we lived ours as we did every day is so hard. Wanting to go to the spot where he died, and like you Sandra, although I didn’t see him in that spot we spoke to the home owners who came to his rescue, I want the clock to go back and be able to be with him and not hear second hand about his shallow breathing and how they tried to revive him but could not. I hope for you, for me, for my daughter and all those who lost a loved one so suddenly, the pain will ebb and the sadness will lessen. It’s 3 months tomorrow and I have engaged in life for most of the hours of the day, but it doesn’t fully take away the pain … the tears when they come cannot stop until I am totally exhausted with wanting him to walk back in the door and go out and play ball with our dog in the yard with a hot cup of coffee in his hand. To be there for me for all those moments big and small that we were there for each other … I know. I understand how hurt you are.

        6. My wonderful husband of 55 years on August 19 died with cardiac arrest on June 30, 2022. I am so heartbroken. I have many, many cards and Mass cards with so many words of love for him and me and they are most comforting. However, I am lost. My children are wonderful and for the first 3 weeks I was never alone. I am trying to get hold of myself. He would not want any of us to be suffering. I remember that moment. He gad gone down cellar to get sone canned peas. I heard a noise when I was taking the pot pies out of the oven. I looked over and his face was facedown on the hall floor and his body was down the stairs. I called for an ambulence. I was hysterical as they kept asking if he was breathing.I couldn’t get my fingers under his face to tell. The medics tried hard. I know he heard me when he was outside on the stretcher. I feel a little comfort in that. His eye opened a little. So, such a long story but i am so missing him. I cry every day but am trying to be strong and do things. I can’t see anybody. All I know is that I lost my good husband. I like reading how others are coping. I want to grieve. He deserves it.

        7. It is the worst pain. Sometime I just pretend that he is still here. Sometimes I pretend that I never had him in my life to survive this agonizing pain. He was far from perfect but Love him so much and all I can remember is the day he asked me to marry him. That look I saw in his eyes on that day, I will never see again and the way he made me feel I will never feel again.

      3. I lost my husband, mate, love, companion of 42 years unexpectedly and suddenly six months ago. He went to work Monday morning and did not come home that evening. He left me too soon; I want another ten years. We were supposed to grow old together, enjoy life together. Now, I am look at my future, without my husband, and my heart shudders and aches. But I wouldn’t wish what I am going through now on my husband. I am in pain (I never knew my heart could ache that way), alone, sad, angry, bitter, but I rather it be me suffering than my husband. I love him so much. I asked my niece, “Why won’t uncle take me with him? I want to go with him.” She responded, “It’s not your time.” Yes, life is unfair and cruel. The only solace I can find is my husband did not suffer and went quickly; this was his hope/wish. I know he is gone, but my heart/mind still does not understand/accept that fact.

        1. Eva, I agree. My husband of 49 years died unexpectedly in August. I wished at first that he could have lived and I could have gone but it’s so horrible I would not wish that on him or even my worst enemy. Our wish had been that we went at the same time but that was not to be.

      4. I agree that it is cruel to be left behind. My husband died 3 years ago suddenly of a heart condition. We didn’t know he had a heart problem. I agree with all you wrote. Over time you learn to live with the pain. Over time you learn ways to handle each alone day. I feel that life cheated me. Our children are adults with their own families. This was going to be our time together enjoying our own interests, being more active in church, etc. Instead I am trying to find a new path, looking for a place I belong with others. Being busy isn’t the answer. It is more than that, deeper, and harder. Thankfully, I have Jesus, the bible, and prayer. That is what keeps me going every day.

      5. My husband died 2 months ago in his sleep he was 47 years old he was my only friend we adopted 2 kids together age 6 in 8 i am so lost in hurt don’t no what to do i am
        A 46 year old widow iam so confused on why he died in his sleep he was fine before he want to bed i am hurting bad lost in confusing on all this.

      6. I just lost my husband 3 months from a heart attack that caused a chemical reaction was rare and shouldn’t of died. If been with him for 27 plus years he is the love of my life my sole mate my bestfriend. So I totally know how you feel it isn’t fair to be left behind to suffer. I feel the same exact way you feel i wish I could just go to sleep and never way up .it is fair to be left behind suffering day after day their is nothing to live for anymore. No one understands they says things will get better and I need to move on. But things will never get better they only get worse every single day he dosen’t come home makes Me so sick and depressed and don’t want to get out of bed. I feel so alone I could have a million people around me and I still would feel alone because it isn’t my husband my love of my life my everything. People say to me I know how it feels and they totally don’t. And it’s totally different when it’s your husband or your wife it’s a totally different kind of relationship they know you better than anyone else they know everything about you and are the only ones that understand you and know one could ever take their place. I’m so scared without him my life is not normal anyone I can’t even explain it I just feel like a totally different person I don’t want to be here without him. My live is over wirh my husband I miss him so so much and it hurts so bad I begged God at the hospital to save him and not let him die but he did not listen. Now I don’t know what to believe if their is even a God. And I’m scared I will never see him again.

        1. Lisa, my heart aches for you. My husband of 15yrs was taken from me 2 days ago. He felt a weird numbness in his arm & leg 2 weeks ago so I called 911. Turned out he was having a stroke. He went into surgery to have the blood clot removed and I thought he’d be ok. He went into a coma and he fought for 12 days. He suffered so much brain damage. Saturday morning he slipped away. He was only 61. He was totally normal the night before. Absolutely nothing to make me alert of any problems. The last thing I said was, “I’ll be here waiting for you” as they wheeled them into surgery.

          I feel absolutely robbed. I begged God to please, don’t take him. Please give him time. And he didn’t answer my Neverending prayers either. I don’t understand why. I almost feel like I’m being punished.

          We have to keep going in memory of our husbands. They wouldn’t want to see us hurting ourselves. They want to see us thrive and do the best we can. We’re still here.

          1. Rachelle – you sound like me 5 months ago. I’m so sorry this happened. My husband of 10 year (together 16) died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism. He was 61. I came home from lunch with a friend and found him. I still feel like he’s away on some tour of duty (he was not in the military). It just can’t be true that he’s never coming home. It’s so true that was have to go on for them and for us, regardless of how hard it is. My heart goes out to you and all the others – it’s shocking how many people lose their spouses.

      7. I lost my husband of 45 years 2 months ago. I brought him his morning coffee (as always), went back to his lounge to refill his cup and my husband was dead in his chair. He looked like he had just fallen back to sleep after he had drunk his coffee. The pain I feel is overwhelming. I cannot go out in public because I fear I break down in public. It is, at times, unbearable. Three years ago my youngest daughter died at age 52 – …..It is horrific.

        1. I am so sorry for your loss. I am experiencing the same dreadful pain. My husband woke up in the morning told me he had stomach pains went to the hospital. They did surgery. He told me he wasn’t being treated well he was on a liquid diet. He didn’t get it. He needed pain medication. He didn’t get it. He needed anxiety medication. He didn’t get it. I complained to the staff. 12 hours after surgery his body started shutting down. In a total of 10 days he was gone . the pain, the loneliness, empty feelings, devastation I pray to God to help me…

          1. Oh, Wanda, you have my condolences for what you and your husband suffered through! I hope that as soon as you are able, you would consider using those people who ho took your husband from you by their negligence. They shouldn’t be able to get away with this. American hospitals are not as good as we’re led to believe,and poor nursing care can kill a patient just like incompetent doctors can. I lost a couple of people close to me through medical negligence. I had no legal standing to file a case,though. I hope you are able to send that hospital a message. It’s a real problem in this country!

        2. I do feel your pain as my husband of 45 years dropped dead in front of me from a pulmonary embolism 6 weeks ago. I was glad it happened in our home and that I was there and did not find him later as I had been about to go out. He’d just been to the doctor the day before and got a clean bill of health. I am so angry and am working to manage it around friends and family.

          1. My husband dropped dead while driving.
            Luckily an accident didn’t occur.
            We were married 56 years, he was 76 years old.
            I’m totally heartbroken. There was no goodbye.
            I miss him so much, my heart actually aches, I feel nauseous, I don’t sleep. I can’t believe he’s not here anymore.
            I’m so lonely. I can’t even look at his picture.
            It’s been 5 weeks and I can’t imagine going on with my life without him.
            People say it could take years to accept the fact he’s gone.
            We had so many plans, what can I do now?
            I don’t know of any other person who has this loss.
            I can’t afford to go to counselling, and Hospice won’t accept me in a programme for 6 months.
            Please help me.

          2. Hello,
            Today would have been my husband’s seventy-fourth bday. He’s been gone going on eleven years now. He died suddenly the picture of health with no vices. You couldn’t get a sheet of paper between us married thirty-one years. I speak for myself but family I thought I could count on were not there. I had to go it alone. After a short while they want you to “move on.” It has been pure misery. If a counselor works for you then go. I have no interest in the modern psychiatric world. What did people do in the past ? They were tough. They crossed the prairie often times having to bury a loved one on site then keep moving. How could they do it? Look at these poor women in Ukraine burying their husbands in the dirt of a bombed out apartment building them moving on! It tears me up. In our modern society we are told to seek out counseling. These people know nothing about us or our loved one. I tried it out of boredom only to confirm my opinions. I went through this horrible torture without family, friends, counselors or medication. I felt and still feel every iota of the pain and anxiety, bitterness and isolation. We used to turn to our parents, a dear friend, parish priest in days gone by but in the end you go through the cliches and pain alone. My heart goes out to all of you.

    4. I lost my husband 12 days ago! He was just turned to 43 years old! He died cause he bought new bike 1 weeks before then accident. He died 5 min away to our home.he died he really died never come back never gonna kiss me again. We had been together 13 months we got married on january just 5 months old marriage’s. He never ever broke my heart hever had argument. And now he is gone

    5. Dearest Louise

      You have articulated beautifully exactly what I have been experiencing.
      I lost my husband 3 and a half years ago unexpectedly, and my sense of loss is sometimes so overwhelming as he had such a presence.
      He was my soul mate , best friend, laughter buddy. Like Yvonne we didn’t have children together and I feel alone – not so much lonely, just alone.
      Christmas was his favourite time of year, I struggle with the constant portrayal of the “perfect family / partner based” Christmas that society peddles.
      It is not the same for those who have lost the most precious person in their lives.
      I am trying to find comfort in exploring my spiritual needs… maybe that will help.
      I agree totally with your “continuing bonds” theory. I speak to my husband all the time, albeit that I’m angry with him for leaving me or that I want his guidance making a decision. I also know how disappointed he would be in me if I gave up, as he was always my advocate.
      It is a process of learning to live in an unwanted reality. It’s not easy however each day I wake up it’s one more small success and I’m certain Andy is happy about that.

      1. I lost my husband of 42 years 2 years ago. Like you Sandra no children. He was my world. It’s hard for me to believe he is gone at times. He was so strong and healthy. He was diagnosed with melanoma during covid and doctors kept saying he was fine but he died within 6 months. This has been a very hard journey. I try to stay busy and volunteering a lot in the community but nothing takes away from the pain of losing him. My couple friends all seem to have disappeared. I feel they don’t want to catch what I have. Moving forward without them is so hard but I know he would want me to.

      2. Dear Louise,
        I lost my husband of 33 years suddenly on December 10 of a heart attack. I knew when I looked into his eyes after he collapsed that I had lost him. He was about to turn 71. He was strong, vibrant, and healthy. He took care because of a family history of heart disease. He went the way he wanted, quick and fast. The grief is overwhelming and I feel terrified contemplating life without him. My husband, best friend and soulmate. He knew me better than anyone else. We didn’t have children either. I struggle to find purpose each day I get up. I have started journaling to help me express my feelings and I wish I had gone first so I wouldn’t have to live with the pain which is so intense it is physically debilitating at times. I know he wants me to keep going, but how?

  2. Thank you……I lost my beautiful husband 6 days ago and I just want to go be with
    Him…..I have no idea w hat to do

    1. I lost my husband of 35 years , 3 months ago. The pain is unbearable. I miss him and the life we had together. I just want to be with him. Do you ever feel better?

      1. Kathy how are you?
        I’m only 9 weeks into the loss of my husband of 33 years I’m 51 ge was 55 no warning massive heart attack I wonder if you’ll get this is there hope for any happiness without them? Jenny

    2. I lost my husband Dec 09th 2021. So it has been 27 days. I cannot sleep or eat. I have to lay on the couch and cannot stand being in my room at all, I cannot lay down on our bed. Everyone here understands but it doesnt help
      Sometimes I feel numb other times I just want to scream. We have 4 children in our home so I feel I have to be strong for them but each day I don’t want to go on. I have no interest in anything. There are no words to describe the despair I feel. I don’t want to be around people. I can barely tolerate being around our kids because I have to perpetuate I am ok when in actuality I just want to die. I want to be with him and dont want anything else. There is a nothingness about me. We enjoyed so many things together that now those things have no place in my life anymore because they were things we enjoyed TOGETHER. I dont even want to go back to work. I just dont want to do anything. I understand everything everyone said and are going through because u all are going through the same feelings and loss. Children, family members and friends have lost their father, brother, uncle, friend etc BUT they did not lose their spouse, soul mate, best friend, lover. They did not lay down with them every night and wake up to them every morning. The late night pillow talks, planning our next adventure, the joking, the fights with the make ups, and just a pure true love . He’s the last person I see before going to bed and the first person I see waking up. There is no life after this, just existence.

      1. I just lost my husband of 12 years on January 4, 2022. He was 46 and died from a heart attack right in front of me and my son. We have 3 kids ages 26 ( daughter with our 1st grand baby on the way), 21 (son) and 10 (daughter). I feel all of what you are feeling. I don’t know how my life is supposed to go on. I know our kids need me. It’s just so hard. All I do is cry and sleep and zone out. And do it all over.

        1. I too lost my husband 54 years old 1/22/22 of 22 years of marriage. He too had a heart attack. So we think. My son and I found him dead on our living room floor. I feel so guilty . We tried cpr. I have a son still in high school and a 21 daughter. I’m lost and feel bad my kids lost their dad

      2. Hi Cher,
        You’re a newcomer to this miserable life. I’m not a Be-eser but it wont get better. It may abate a bit but it’s ours to bear and the price for love. Your story is exactly mine. It brought tears as Tommy and I had a love you dont find everyday and the way we met was divinely orchestrated. We could have eloped on our first date. Thirty one years! I’m eight years out with still the crying, meaningless existence, anxiety attacks and hatred for everything and everyone. My son recently told me he would prefer to not get involved in a relationship as he says it has “annihilated”me.

      3. My husband just died 3 months ago and I totally feel the same way. It’s totally different when it’s your husband he’s my sole mate, lover , bestfriend my everything. You knows each other better than anyone no one can ever take their place it just hurts so so much. No more hugs or kisses or no more of him saying he loves me more than anything. No more joking around no more fights no more eating together or watching TV or no more texts at work saying they love you or just being a smart ass or a pig. No more valentines day birthdays easters anniversarys Thanksgiving Christmas holidays. No more trips together no more anything it just hurts so bad to think of him not here for anything. My life is totally over without him. I’m 52 years old and I’ve been with my husband since I was 24 years old 27 years plus we have been together. It isn’t fair we were supposed to grow old together make more memories. It’s just not fair why him. I just want to die I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t want to be left behind.

        1. I’m so sorry Lisa, and to all of you for the losses you have had to endure. Everyone who has written on this site, epitomizes how I feel exactly. I lost my fiance 8 months ago unexpectedly, & tragically from a rare brain disorder that we both never knew he had. It caused him to have black outs and on the morning of January 22, he came up from our basement to let our dog out and I heard the door shut and he must of blacked out and I heard him fall down the stairs from one of the bedrooms upstairs, where I had been folding laundry that morning. I still hear that awful sound of him falling in my head. I ran to him & he was unconscious they rushed him to the hospital for emergency surgery for several broken blood vessels in his head, and a severed caritoid artery. He was in a medically induced coma & on a ventilator for a week and the doctor said his prognosis was not good, if he did wake up from the coma, he would not be the same, not able to walk, talk, etc. I just sat there & cried with my mask on feeling it fill up with my tears. My fiance was a young looking, Harley Davidson riding , 63 yr. old we had known each other for 20 yrs. and we , after years of taking care of my mother until she passed @ 98 yrs. old, 5 yrs. ago, were going to finally marry this year! What a cruel joke the universe has played on all of us. My honey, after five days, & a relentless sister that took over everything, including trying to donate her brother’s organs, just 3 days in to his hospital stay! ( that’s another trauma, in of itself that I had to endure.) he passed away w/o anyone there to be with him, like I had been a few days before with the hour i got to spend holding his hand & telling him how much I loved him,, in front of group of medical staff waiting for him to die to get his kidneys! OMG! I still can’t believe that all happened and Jeff, my fiance never knew that he had this rare brain disorder that robs you of your cognitive, motor abilities by a protein in our brains that occurs naturally, but in his case something went wrong and this protein starts attaching itself to the neuron’s in the brain, and eventually causes them to die. It’s a Parkinson’s like , disorder called Multiple symptoms Atrophy. We were just in the process of going to the neurologist for answers to why he was having these balance issues to the point of falling and it was weird, because it was always that he would fall backwards. That’s what distinguishes it from other brain disorder’s. I, like the rest of you, are angry, sad, lost, and feel cheated. Everyday, I walk around the house talking to Jeff, & asking God Why?? Along with crying & screaming to the point of hyperventilating! I don’t know WTH my purpose is for being here? I have no family, just one friend, i’m 63, and now have to worry about my home, & if I can keep it. We had started the process to pay off a reverse mortgage that my mom had on the house, & when she passed, you are given the choice of letting them take the house, or you can go through the legal steps to buy it back, (refinance the loan) we were just about ready after 3 yrs. & a few thousand dollars later, to be done with that part, then on to get a refinance loan! Lol! I don’t have the credit or the $ to do anything!!! We weren’t married so I am not eligible to receive his 401K benefits or anything else, because this state of Nebraska doesn’t recognize common law marriages, like most other states do. So I’m on my own without the love I once had, and the possibility of being homeless looming over my head. Tell me what is fair about any of this?!! I took, just want to leave this world.

          1. Dolores A Lombardi

            I am sorry to read your story, Janice. My husband died in September from an autonomic dysfunction, which I believe was MSA (Multiple System Atrophy). We had not gotten a final diagnosis, but MSA is the type of autonomic dysfunction that his symptoms were most like.
            My husband had been showing symptoms and declining for over a year when he passed. As sad and as bereft as I feel, I know it is better that he died when he did as the disease had been getting worse. It goes well beyond balance issues and everything will begin to shut down. My husband passed away on the precipice of not being able to eat; his swallowing ability was already seriously challenged and getting worse, next would have neen breathing issues and other things. So, it’s tragic, and brutal, but better they go while they still have some quality of life.
            I am curious, did your husband ever have Covid? There is now evidence that Long Covid can bring on nerve damage and autonomic dysfunction.

        2. Reading your comment sounds like me. I know he’s gone, but it feels like he’s just gonna come walking thru the door like he always does. He promised me that 2024 is going to be our best year. The realization that there’s no more kisses, hugs, pillow talk about our future (or even just the upcoming weekend) makes me feel so empty.
          I see things on tv that i want to talk to him about. I see a restaurant i know he’d enjoy trying. Or just talk about the day we had at work. We called each other many times a day. I never realized how much of my day involved him.

          We just came back from a family trip to Hawaii 2 months ago. We talked about going back together just the night before. I feel like this is just a dream or a cruel joke. I even miss the stupid bickering over things like potato chip crumbs on the couch.

          My love was taken from me just 2 days ago after suddenly going to the hospital on 1/7/24 for a stroke. I never thought that he wouldn’t be coming home. I figured they’d take care of it, he’d be off from work for a bit, and we’d get back to our lives.

          Coming home and seeing his uniform set up for the following day, his lunchbox on the counter waiting to be filled, his backpack by the door, the washcloth he hung up in the shower that night, his car in the driveway KILLS me. I can’t believe he’s not coming home. The realization that I’m now alone is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. But its oddly comforting to know that there are others who feel like I do and understand the overwhelming emotion.

      4. Hi my name is Lisa and my husband just died 3 months ago and I feel exactly how you feel. I’m totally devastated I miss him so so much it hurts so bad he’s the love of my life my sole mate my bestfriend he’s everything to me and no one understands. They say we know how you feel we miss him too or other people will say you aren’t the only one that has ever lost someone. And it’s totally different when it’s your husband or your wife their is no compromise. I don’t even want to live anymore everything has been taken away from me it isn’t fair I don’t want to be left behind I just want to be with my husband. It isn’t fair he was only 55 years old we had so many more years together so many more memories to make so many plans it’s killing me. I begged God in the hospital to save him and now I don’t know if their is a God because why wouldn’t he listen why would he take him from me out of all the people in the world why my husband why. Why not the murders out their. We were supposed to grow old today it’s just not fair. I’ve tried everything to get ahold of my husband hoping it’s just a horrible dream that I can’t wake up from. I would do anything to bring him back. I’ve been praying for a miracle but nothing I just don’t know what else to do I miss him so bad I just want to die.

      5. I read your post and screamed HALLELUJAH! you said exactly what I feel. My husband was everything. Sexy wink, private, joke, and memories. 32 years I was with this wonderful man and he is the only person I want to be with. My children are all grown and only one gives a damn. My friend will tell me about her father that died and I think your father was 80 years old. My husband was 52 young years old and then told he had cancer and died. Healthiest person you ever met and so beautiful. just like you I miss that beautiful face every night when I go to sleep and he is the only one I want to see when I wake up in the morning. I still say good morning baby I love you.

  3. Hi Margaret,

    I also just lost my husband suddenly on April 9th.and I am in terrible pain.(44 years together.)
    I just found this site……

    I am going to go on Monday to a therapist who has done a lot of work with bereavement
    I go to 12 Steps
    I have two grown children .
    I go to my room and read early.
    I eat well and take vitamins for health and sleep.

    1. I lost my Babe May 18,2019..We went to sleep on Friday Night Snuggled all up…Woke up to him passed in our bed,,,He had just turned 65,,,Not sick

      Six months today…I feel for our four children and two grandkids…They lost their father and Papa

      Cemetery today…Nights are horrific…Trying to get through this holiday season.. 41 year marriage..

      I am just trying to go forward…Miss him always forever and a day

      1. Susan I feel you pain. Im also very sorry for you lose. On Nov 23 2020 the love of my life 46 years together Im 63 he was 68 we went to bed said our I love you kissed good night and went to sleep when the morning came the love of my life did not wake up, Dr said he never felt a thing. We had gotten coustdy of two of our grandbabies two weeks before, My husband was not sick he was still working a full time job. Its been almost two months Im still numb, empty and so very confused. I have no one to talk to my oldest daughter is in as bad of shape as me for the lose of her father the youngest only care about herself and drugs. I never had a lot of friends and the ones I do have feel I should be over him by now.REALLY I just want to die myself,

    2. i also lost my sweetheart of 39 years on april 9th..easter sunday after being told he was a picture of health from the dr.2 weeks earlier…he died of double pneumonia and sepsis…after being in the hospital for 2 weeks we had to let him go…he would of hated to be sick the rest of his life or on dialysis…nothing was functioning in his body…heart liver
      or kidneys…all at once…sepsis is the killer….its been 7 months….have had many changes in my life..starting with moving back to my old home in colorado…we lived in las vegas for only 3 years and had the most beautiful time together there life was wonderful..and lnow lilfe is awful… cant get through the nights very well…so unhappy..even with all the people i know…it does not help me…i need to get out of this rut…but cant seem to…dont really know what to do with my life….the meanning is gone…the best thing i have is my family…and my first great grandchild…but i always feel like i am interferring in there lives… winter is upon us and it gets dark earlier…and colder as winter come…cant stand either one….hope i will get stronger soon…i want to…just cant get over the hump…hope you are feeling some peace for now…

      1. I lost my husband 2 months short of our 40th anniversary. Still reeling from the loss–inspite of my 2 sons and my estranged daughter, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for….I feel so lost, unmotivated and uncertain. This feelings are so strange for me and I can’t seem to shake it off. I have a lot of hobbies to occupy me but the motivation to do something productive eludes me most of the time. I try to still keep busy through work but during downtime, these feelings of wanting to leave this earth to join my husband continues and persists. I want to move on but don’t know how… friend said burying myself in work is a denial of my loss and not dealing with it. I just didn’t know how else to cope.

    1. Colette Frances Johnson

      Jane, I lost my Husband in May 2019. He went into hospital when we were on holiday – for fluid retention – I thought, but he died 17 days later. Totally devastated. In fact probably numb for quite some time. We had been together for 37 years and were extremely close. We have a special needs Son and I couldn’t believe it but he stepped up and took over from my Husband – in some ways. He had strength I didn’t and still don’t. I miss my Husband terribly every single day and I will go to him with ease when my time comes. I wanted to die too when it first happened but I have our Son to care for. If you have Children or Grandchildren maybe try to put your energy into them, it may ease the pain. Best of Luck to you…xx

    2. Hi Jane,
      I just read your message, and I’m wondering how you are now, almost 3 years later?
      I’m sure you’ll still be grieving, but I do hope that things are gradually getting better.
      Stay strong.

  4. My darling husband, died 391 days ago of Lewy Body Dementia. We were married 40 years and our life revolved around each other. For the last 4 years of his precious life, I cared for him with that terrible and terrifying illness. I am totally bereft without him, I am just waiting to die. I am physically and mentally scarred by that dreadful illness and find it so difficult to remember him as he was before he was ill.
    I live day to day, drifting aimlessly, from place to place, thinking of him constantly.
    My family live abroad and I have no support from friends, who soon disappeared when the dementia started. It has been over a year since he died, yet it feels like yesterday. I lost my whole purpose for living, the day he died and have no interest in anything. I cannot accept his death, so I still ‘look’ for him everywhere we used to go together, hoping I will see him somewhere and bring him home.
    I have anger at why he got dementia as he was a clever man and got a university degree at 60yrs old.
    I hate well meaning people constantly telling me to ‘move on’ or find a new interest, as if caring for my husband was just a little hobby and I’ll soon find a new one.
    My greatest comfort is talking to my husband as if he were still here and I do believe he’s with me wherever I go.

    1. Patricia,
      Your words could be mine. That is how I feel.
      All people expect you to do is ” move on” etc.

      If you truly love and lose someone how can you move on and accept their death ?

      1. Jackie

        Thank you for understanding. We share the same endless grief. It is now coming up to 2 years since my husband died and I think the intensity of his loss is even worse now than ever. I have given up trying to explain this to people and I think they have given up on me.

        Take care.

        1. Patricia, I am so sorry for your loss. I do understand, my soulmate of 35yrs died of cancer on Christmas Eve of 2021. I do know that there is no time limit for grief, and anniversary reactions can leave you reeling. Still the intensity of grief tends to lessen with time.
          If your grief gets worse over time instead of better or interferes with your ability to function in daily life, consult a grief counsellor or other mental health provider. Unresolved grief or complicated grief can lead to depression, other mental health problems and other medical conditions.With professional help, however, you can re-establish a sense of control and direction in your life to return to the path towards healing.
          I wish you comfort, and understanding in this very difficult time. Seeking a spiritual understanding has given comfort to me. Take good care and stay safe. Tammy

      2. Hi Jackie,
        I’ve just read your post.
        Since my husband’s sudden death on 6 December 2019, I’ve learned that people don’t know what to say to ypu. Instead of not saying anything, they say something that doesn’t help.
        Expecting you to “move on” makes things easier for them and donesn’t help you.
        Stay strong.


    2. Patricia……Move on is all I hear also. I lost the love of my life on Nov 23 2020 not long ago. he was 68 he still worked a full time job. We went to sleep that night and my baby never woke up. Im lost, numb and so confused. I look for him to walk in at any moment. Ive made deals with God Ive gotten so mad Ive cried a ocean full. The nights are so long and I dont sleep well. No matter what I do or say he does not come back. No one wants to listin to my 500th story about him they all have went on with life while Im still stuck here with a broken heart and life. Move on how do we do that how. I also talk with my husband I also believe he is with me,

      1. I just want my beautiful husband to come back now too. He had a stroke two months ago and I watched him die the next morning in hospital. They could not fix it. His death was so sudden, so terrible, yet so graceful. He was so full of grace in life. His last words to me were how much he just wanted to lay with me and hold each other and that he was the luckiest guy in the world and he loved me. I told him that I was the luckiest girl in the world and I love him and that he’s my world. We told each other I love you every day of our 17 years. I am so grateful he loved me. I just wish I could have realized or recognized that this was going to happen to him.
        He was so amazing. So brilliant. So funny, so kind, so friendly. So beautiful. So active and so loved by hundreds of people. And he chose me, wow. He was so good to me, did so much for me, he took care of me in a thousand ways. If I could only have him back I would value every moment with my whole being like he deserved. He was Love.
        At first it was not real. I saw the family, I made dinners for family to come and share. I went to eat out with family, I did not cry as much as I do now. I do not want to see anyone right now, or talk. All I can do is watch diy shows, cry, plead, sleep a little here and there and go to the cemetary- adjust the flowers, pick the crabgrass. I want my husband home now. I am only in my 50’s and can’t imagine life without him for the rest of my life. What am I going to do? Will I have the strength and bravado to carry myself with the Grace and Dignity he did so effortlessly, and as he deserves now? He is the love of my life and God-willing his love, our love, will carry me.

        1. Hi Bethany,
          I just read your post, and I’m wondering how you are now? It’s almost your husband’s 1st anniversary, and I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
          I’m sure everyone on this site is here for you.
          Stay strong.

      2. I know how you all feel. My sweetheart of 40 years passed away while I slept beside him too. Unlike some of you, I didn’t tell him how much I loved him before he went to sleep. He went to sleep before I came to bed and never woke up. I am so devastated. And I feel so much guilt for not getting to tell him how much I loved him.

        1. Hi Brenda,
          I do hope you’re OK.
          Your husband’s death must have been devastating for you sleeping next to him. I do feel for you.
          You know Brenda, I believe that he’s always with you. Have a conversation with him and tell him how much you love him. I have to be honest – I’m sure he knew that anyway.
          Stay strong.

  5. My husband of 43 years died 13 months ago, unexpectedly, of a stroke. 4 months later our little dog died, also unexpectedly. I have now sold the house we built and spent 30 years planning, renovating, talking about. Sitting on our deck looking at the sunsets over the river. How much I had and I don’t know if I really appreciated how much.
    I have chronic pain so am unable to busy myself which would help. In April I move to a retirement village. I just want to sleep and never wake up.
    I did see my husband 3 weeks after his death, I had fallen asleep on our bed and woke up to see a vision of him standing at the foot of the bed. I blinked and he was gone. For a week the television turned off and on itself and kitchen lights flickered. I have to believe it was him.
    May we all find some peace in the life we are left with.

    1. My husband of 44 years died unexpectedly of a heart attack in our living room while we were watching tv. He was a young 64 and looking forward to retirement. One nite shortly after his death l saw him at the side of our bed with 3 shrouded beings in a pink yellow orange light. He was telling me things and he saw how distraught I was and said to me” Here let’s do this” he took one of my hands and placed it on my chest and picked up my other hand and placed it on top of my hand on my chest and said “keep me in your heart” . l felt such love and comfort and peace… it was wonderful to feel that in a time of such pain, fear and grief. That feeling lasted that whole morning which I was so grateful for.

      1. Laurie My husband of 43 years passed away it will be 4 weeks tomarrow. He was 68 just retired in Jan 2020 full retirement but still worked a full time job. We had just gotten cousty of our 2 grandbabies 6 and 8 life was good on Nov 23 he came home from work we did our normal stuff got the kids in bed, We went into our bedroom to talk check emails normal stuff. He said baby Im going to lay down are you coming I said let me finish whatever I was doing he said ok I love you my baby see you in the morning I went to bed, At 5:30am my alarm went off as it has for 40 years I got up went to bathroom I noticed the bedroom TV was not on he always turned it on for the news I went in to make sure he was awake I grabed his big toe like a million times but this time he did not move I yelled baby baby but he did not wake up he was gone the love of my life my heart beat my everything was gone. A numbness came over me it was hard to breath my heart was empty I was so very scared. Friends and family all say be glad he went like that he never knew he just went to sleep ( in my mind I dont care I just want him back he is gone gone) they say time in time it will get easier not for me every day I miss him more his smile laugh touch the wink I got when he was pretendind not to give me my way his smell my life has stopped I will never be the same never ever. He treated me like a princess he took care of everything. I just want him back I miss him sooooooo much. One person said your only 63 you still have a life in front of you no no I dont he was my life my breath my world. I came here in hopes to find something I dont even know what. GOD BLESS EACH OF YOU I PRAY WE ALL FIND SOME KIND OD PEACE INSIDE US>

    2. Dorothy, I do believe in such things. When my husband died it was a dreary overcast day. He wasnt feeling well but wanted to get some Tums. On short ride back to house he stroked out in the car. I’m not CPR trained but I never worked so hard in my life. He came around long enough to smile at me then take his last breath. As he did, I could hear the ambulance coming and the sun dropped below a broad cloud bank. It bent the rays of light across the valley turning the tops of our shrubs golden then passed through the car over him and out!
      It was a very dramatic moment.

  6. I lost my darling Andrew 5th March 2019, after three weeks in ICU following a devastatingly catastrophic brain bleed the morning of 13th February. He was just 59 years old and we had his funeral ten days before my birthday and his memorial the day before my birthday. We were together for 36 years and I’d also known of him since I was a little girl because our mums had been at the same school and they introduced us.
    After three phone calls today with our eldest daughter, and soooo much pressure from her to take his ashes from where he currently is to where I have a plot for us both, I’ve spent nearly all day in tears. We have 5 adult children, all successful in their own ways and leading their own lives. Only our eldest son seems to understand the pain I’m in. And I just don’t know how to go on. I did bring Andrew home last year, and the pressure from the younger four kids was so intense to not keep him with me that I returned him back to where I collected him from. It sucks to be by myself.
    So to all of us who have lost the love of our lives, how do we keep going?
    My brain is mush – I don’t remember from morning till night what I’ve done that day, nor the day before. If one more person tells me to exercise, I think I’ll jump of a bloody cliff. My biggest achievement each day is to just get up in the morning, albeit not till after 10am because I’m not sleeping very well.
    I have to send our daughter an email tonight telling her what I’m going to do regarding moving Andrew and also what I want to do for what will be my 60th birthday, who I want to celebrate it with, but I cannot invite our eldest son because if he’s there, then none of our other children will come. How’s that for emotional blackmail!!??! It’s also even more complicated because she’s coming home from America and our younger son is coming home from another state; I’ll have four of five children here to ensure I move Andrew and supposedly celebrate my birthday.
    I’ve been watching programmes of other cultures to learn how they deal with death and grief, but it doesn’t help at the moment. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll be able to accept other ways, but not now. I’ve had nearly ten months of our eldest daughter telling me to adapt and move on; I know she’s trying to understand, but really she has no idea. It’s all about the kids (except our eldest) losing their dad and not me losing my husband, my partner, best friend and love of my life.
    As much as we are not alone, we all are because our grief is all different, yet it is the same. Here’s love to each of you and a very long hug because that’s one of the most important things we’ve lost.

    1. I would keep your husband’s ashes with you as long as you want. Even till you pass and let your children bury you both together. As for your birthday invite who you want and let come who may. These are grow children to put limits on your birthday and you, who should come and not is very unfair, knowing life is so short as shown by there sudden passing of there dad. Yes keep as busy as you can, physically and mentally. Please make your own choices that are good for you, there old enough to make there own and stop pressuring you. Time don’t heal wounds it helps us cope with the loss. But we keep the memories in our hearts always. Follow your heart ❤️but do what healthy and right for you. My sympathy.

    2. Susan….I really sympathize with you. My husband of 56 years died on January 20. He had Stage 4 cancer and I had been caretaking him for 4 years, but he died of a brain bleed, quick and painless. I was there, he fell into my arms but was dead in seconds. While I am thankful it was quick, we both dreaded the future he had with cancer, I am still working through my grief. I am not religious and at times envy people who believe so deeply, whatever religion it is. I am in therapy. How much that is helping is questionable. It does take up some of my time and I do have a new friend in my therapist.
      My kids don’t get along and it seems I have been pushed into a corner choosing one or the other. Fortunately I still work (I am 78) and have a great job but have had to drop some of the more complicated projects in my job as my mind just does not function as well as it did. It is called Widows Brain.
      My husband and I did everything together. My sadness is such that I have trouble moving. I do not want company. I don’t want to have to entertain people and most don’t understand my need to just be silent.
      But for all of you in this string, I do have a solution for the ashes that is going to work for me. I am going to wait until I leave and have the ashes combined and turn them into two diamonds, one for each of my children. You can do this… is online. I think spending eternity as a diamond with him brings me some solace.
      I do believe that only the people on this thread understand my pain….

      1. I am having an extremely difficult time since my husband of nearly 27 years (he died 10 days before our 27th Anniversary, which would have been on 2020 Christmas Eve). He died suddenly following a fall at our home and never recovered. Prior to meeting and marrying him, I lost a previous husband to a two year bout with cancer, five years into our life together. I never thought I’d be widowed twice before I was 70 years old, but here I go again. No children, grandchildren and very distant relatives. Some supportive friends, thank goodness, but I just can’t imagine what I’m going to do with whatever is left of my life. My husband was my rock, my soulmate, my comfort, advisor, best friend and much more. I just don’t know how to cope and things look very bleak.

        1. Hi Connie,
          Your post resonated with me as I have just lost my husband to cancer, diagnosed Jan this year and he died in March. We would have been married 17 years in April and I also lost my previous husband of nearly 7 years to cancer after a lengthy battle so I too am a widow again before I’m 70. I am lucky enough to have a very caring son who visits once a week but he has his own life and family and I don’t want to be a burden. I know it’s early days but everything seems so pointless now he’s gone.

      2. Pamela
        I’m sure everyone on this site feels your pain as we all “understand”. We also care about each other, too. Just know that we’re here for you.
        Stay strong.

    3. You will be okay. I lost my gorgeous man suddenly 22 years ago. All these messages remind me of the physical effort it was to carry the physical pain of losing my soul mate in the blink of an eye. I look back and an old widow told me ‘face into the wind and rain and put one foot in front of the other – you will be okay. He was worth your tears. This is the price we pay for having been loved like this. So I asked myself was his love worth this continuous heartbreak and my answer was Yes. I miss him every day – incorporate him into you. Look outwards not inwards. I went to work with the homeless – give give give and you will receive mountains in return and you will smile again.

  7. I lost my husband of nearly 32 years suddenly to an abdominal aortic aneurysm. It happened so quickly that I didn’t get to say goodbye. What helped me get through the initial shock was that the hospital staff at Swedish (Seattle-Edmonds) gave us a private room (for me and our grown daughters) The chaplain called the rabbi for me and we said the Hebrew parting prayer. Then we sat with him for awhile and said our goodbyes. So many people have come forth to help me as I rebuild a life which includes a new apartment and (next) employment. Tomorrow it will be 2 months. I have just started crying about it- the pain seemed too deep before. I still feel like I am living in an alternate universe. But the outpourings of love and hope from everywhere is amazing. I just try to ignore the nosy people who ask controlling and graphic questions about his death- well, actually I walk away fast. Life Center (organ donor program) has been incredible with letters, books and phone support.

    1. I to just lost my husband of 32 years from the same! I am just so sad and angry some days! I just keep asking for strength to make it another day! I am just so sad we didn’t say goodbye ! I feel so all alone, even with my adult children around. It seems like such a bad dream that I want to wake up from…

      1. I feel the same. My husband of 32 years died suddenly 3 weeks ago. I feel lost, broken, alone. My kids, my family and my friends have been so supportive, but I just miss him so badly. I loved my life with him. We laughed all the time. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am so sad.

  8. My dear husband died after 30 years of being very happily married . That was now over two years ago . At first I was in shock . Many are feeling this way after their husband dies , as though you are in a state of shock . I found out that it’s normal to feel that way . Many feelings are normal such as , feeling helpless, hopeless , angry , deserted , confused , and others . One thing that helped me was thinking , how would he want me to be ? He would definitely not want me to be miserable because I know that he loved me . I also thought , what if I died before he did ? How would I want him to feel ? The thought of him being in deep despair made me feel almost sick inside . I know that my husband would want me to be happy and live the best life that I could . I still miss him every single day but I did have a life before I met him ( although my life was much better with him ! ) and I’m still living ! I guess what I’m trying to say is somehow make peace with your loss and try everyday to do something nice for yourself . Get your hair done , get your nails done , buy something new to wear , buy yourself a bottle of perfume . Be very , very good to yourself ! Try to be happy ! You deserve it ! I hope this helps another widow .

    1. Patricia, my husband died from COVID on December 10, 2020. He was gone within 10 days. He was 71 years old, in reasonably good health and I constantly wonder why he did not beat COVID. My 98 year old father beat it. As everyone tells me, I am a strong person and will get through this. I want to believe it, but the pain is deep. I read your post where you mentioned ‘what if I died first’. That hit me. If I died and looked down from heaven (lol), and saw my husband sad, depressed, not able to move along with his life, it would make me sad and guilty (if you can feel sad and guilty in heaven). So thank you for sharing your perspective with me. It will be one of the thoughts that will help me move to a better place. Thank you!

    2. Patricia, I don’t know if you are still on here, but I just wanted to say how much your post meant to me, especially about doing something nice for yourself, knowing he would want me to have my best life, getting a bottle of perfume.. I did! My dear husband and soulmate and love of 50 years passed away suddenly from a fall on April 4, 2023. I found him in the garage, and couldn’t believe my eyes. I held him and loved him even though I knew he was gone. Just an accident.. He was vibrant and healthy, and at 78 was training for an aviation aerobatics competition with his bi-plane. He was the love of my life, still with a beautiful head of blond hair. We, me, my son and his family are totally bereft. I am trying to follow your advice about doing something nice for myself, I did get a bottle perfume and am trying to be good to myself, also for the sake of my son and his family who have been so supportive. I hope you are doing ok, just wanted you to know how much your words meant to me. I come back to you comments often. Thank you. You have tremendously helped another widow.

  9. I lost my husband of over three decades on Feb 20, 2020. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and his birthday. I can’t go on without him. And I don’t want to. I feel like a zombie. Also, lost my job of 18 years. Laid off. Everyone was in my department. I need him here. He is my heart and soul. My rock. No children but we have a little dog. I still feel so alone. I always will. I just want him home. I beg God that I can be with him soon can’t sleep without meds. Personal hygiene is gone. I just don’t care anymore. I just want my Mike home

    1. I’m praying for you, Tina. I lost my beloved husband of 34 years just two months ago (age 59). While we weren’t the perfect couple, he was perfect for me. I understand your pain and despair all too well. I’ve been feeling like I can’t go on either and barely have the strength or desire to go through the daily motions. At the same time, I also feel I was blessed to have had his love for three decades of my life. Having even one day with my dear Jon was a gift. Some people aren’t fortunate to ever experience what we had, so as bad as we’re hurting, imagine how much richer our lives have been because of these wonderful men. I think the pain-to-Iove ratio is proportional. The more you love, the deeper the pain. I wish I could give you a hug, Sister. I doubt I’d even be able to utter words through my tears to express my empathy for you, but just know someone from afar is praying for you and will continue to do so.

  10. I lost my husband 18/08/2020 to liver failure and when I tell people that I get mixed reactions. He was only 53 and we loved each other so much, he was a good man who looked after his family and the people he cared about really well. He, obviously, did have have a drink problem but it never interfered with his work or anything else. We had a lovely home and our children never wanted for anything. He was my everything, my world, and I miss him so much. I stayed at the hospital with him the last few days before he died and it was traumatic to say the least, but I’m glad I did.
    Some people seem to try to make me feel ashamed of how he died but I won’t be because I know what a good person he was, I will always love him and be proud of him x

    1. 07/30/21 for my Husband. He was only 53 and also died of liver failure. I will never be ashamed of how he died, he had an addiction to alcohol, just like people have other illness. He was my hero and I better never hear anyone speak ill of him. He was also a functioning alcoholic. Life can be cruel.I love and miss him terrible.

      1. I lost my husband January 22nd. He was 54 he also was a functioning alcoholic. Don’t know if he died of a heart attack or what me and my son found him dead on the living room floor. We were downstairs with a friend playing darts and we came back upstairs 2 hours later and he was dead on the floor. Not sure if he died of a heart attack or not he didn’t have any illnesses that we knew of. But heart disease ran in his family. I’m so lost without him so angry at the same time. My son is still in high school so I feel really bad for him and my 21 year old daughter

    2. I just read your post, Anita.
      I’ve found over time that some people don’t cope with death and families. Some people say comforting lthings and others, instead of not saying anything, say hurtful things not realising.
      As the saying goes, if you can’t say anything kind, don’t say anything at all.

  11. I lost my husband last month. He was shot and killed during a robbery at his workplace. We had just bought our retirement home right on the golf course in a beautiful small town. I had been retired just six weeks and I remember thinking the same day I got the call that my life could not be more perfect! I am in complete despair. He was the love of my life and I truly don’t know how I can ever feel joy again. Our home now is just a house. I miss his laughter, the little things he did that would annoy me and most of all going to bed every night next to him. It was my favorite part of the day! Safe, warm and feeling his love for me. I know I will never feel his body next to me again! The pain in my heart is unbearable and I cannot stop crying. I am seeing a grief counselor and plan to meet with a support group after the first of the year. I pray to God to help me find the strength to continue. I will never stop loving or missing him!

  12. Dear Robin Lee,
    I am so shocked and saddened to hear what happened to your much loved husband. I can only imagine that the shock and disbelief you feel must be unbearable.
    My partner’s death was sudden and unexpected and even now I can’t believe what’s happened. Like you we were at the start of our retirement with plans to move.
    Sadly so many of our circumstances are similar but it brings me no comfort to know that others are suffering as well.
    I went to a counsellor , at first it helped relieve the pressure to talk and be able to say things to him that I couldn’t say to friends or family for fear of upsetting them.
    I also wrote some of my thoughts and feelings in note-boooks , not everyday but when I was awake at night or having a really bad day.
    Different things help different people, like you I will never stop loving or missing my partner.
    People have said all sorts of things to me over the last, nearly 3 years. None of it has helped and much off it has upset me, they mean to be kind and want to help me but the reality is very little helps me.
    Until it has happened to you it’s impossible to understand the devastation of losing your lifelong partner.
    The crying has got less over time but the pain and loss haven’t . One of the few things that’s helped me is walking in the countryside and being in our home.
    A lot of people want to hurry you on, to build a new life, start again. Don’t be hurried , do what feels right for you and if that is staying in your home with your husband’s belongings then do that .
    All I can do is wish you well in the months ahead and say how sorry I am you find yourself in this situation, All best wishes.

  13. Dear Yvonne,
    I’m very, very for the lost of your husband. Your story is so identical to my life I shared with my for 35 years. He died suddenly and unexpectedly on 11/02/20. When I left my house he was watching TV and I mentioned I will pick up some tacos and he said “sounds good”. I can’t find him when I came because on the floor. I tried to wake him up and I panicked when he did not answer. I called 911, tried their best and pronounce him dead and the coroner took his body. Our hopes, dreams, growing old together, our private jokes, laughter , movies ,restaurants & hobbies are the same. We enjoyed our company together and it’s enough. Now, I don’t have anyone and no one could and would to fill in the void. I don’t know if I can live for another day. I’m glad I found someone in this hop=me page who feels the heartbreaking loss and understand how I feel.
    Thank you and take care,
    Erlinda Cordero

  14. I lost my husband of 18 years last month. I feel lost, lonely and devastated. Life no longer seems to make sense. I didn’t get the opportunity to nurse my husband, he died after brief illness. Everyday I interrogate myself and wonder if I did my best in saving his life. Life seems so meaningless and even though I pray, it feels so dry. It is my prayer to God to help me make sense of life at this point

    1. My deepest condolences to each and every person who lost their partners.
      I lost my husband of 38 years 1/11/24 1am.
      Wasn’t able to go home for a month. I have not been able to sleep in our bedroom since. I slept on the couch with my puppy until today 3/11/24.
      Today I called a hall away got rid of the couch and most of the furniture including bedroom furniture.
      The house is no longer a sanctuary a “home “
      I no longer love anything. I don’t care about what I wear or what I eat. I hate talking to people. I lost my best friend, my soul mate my person to annoy me with whistles and singing out loud in the bathroom. Miss his conversation with Alexa. His mama jokes. His passion for politics. His cute nickname for our children. His laughter. His cooking . He was a wonderful husband, dad to our children. I can’t still visit the cemetery because I feel like he will come home at some point. Miss his daily texts saying he is on his way home. I no longer eat at the table. I no longer have desire to cook. Just a zombie. I feel like I am going to wake up from this nightmare. There is a sense of frustration feeling like a knot.. waiting for it to release and he is just going to come home:( one day I will come to this site and check on myself if I have healed….

  15. Well, I am amazed at the similarities in the stories, long term marriages, new or impending retirements, amazing spouses, grown children, unimagineable grief and of course sudden deaths without any warning. I lost my Jim on Oct 23, 2020 and I too do not want to or think I can dig out of this hole. We were married for 42 years and friends for 50. We had an amazing last year together, a 5 month long romantic winter holiday only to be followed by a stage 4 Cancer diagnosis for me. After much chemotherapy and surgery, remission was diagnosed days before his passing. As so often in our marriage, we had beaten the odds and were so excited and appreciative to pick up where we had left off before the Cancer. This was not to be the case, Jim drove down our driveway with Peace, Joy and Excitement in his heart as he went to pick up just one last prescription for me, the morphine had ended and some lingering neuropathy from the Chemo seemed to be the last challenge.
    Last words to me were, ” Wendy, I will pick up the prescription from Costco, you finish supper and we will eat wnen I get back.” I was talking on the phone and he turned and said “goodbye” to me and the person, i was talking to. Jim passed away as he made the right hand turn at the end of our driveway. Not on anyone’s radar and too crazy to even register.
    Yesterday, I thought I had figured out this insanity, Jim had experienced life to the fullest, successes, failures, constant busyness, he had done it all. I sat back and was a spectator for much of his whirlwind activity and relished in so doing, I was always engaged, happy, proud and never ever lonely or bored, as we both lived through his amazing energy and zest for life.
    We complimented each other as any venture was always shared, with Jim the backbone that kept it all together.
    I am so proud of you Baby but how do I go on, my everything is gone and my zest for living as well. One question has been answered, Jim has experienced life to the fullest, zoomed through it in 67 years. My experiences are ongoing and my time not yet finished, am I able to fulfill my destiny or have I been stopped by my loss? If it is God’s will, I will hopefully move forward, the Cancer was defeated and until we meet again sweetheart, I of course will live the lessons you have taught me and never give up.
    Tonight, not so sure about these conclusions, this grief has created a crazy rollercoaster that has filled 3 journals with memories and unanswered questions. One definitve answer has been the strengthening of my Faith, it is so obvious that the only thing that will replace my Jim on Earth is my love and trust in God, through his son Jesus Christ. These are not words I would have even put in a sentence last year at this time, every cloud does have a silver lining and strengthened Belief is mine.
    Oh, I do ramble on but, found it distressing that there are others dealing with emotions as I am, grief is something that is not discussed until it becomes the only part of your existence, the tears have started and maybe I will fall asleep.
    Yes Baby, I just want you to come home!
    love, Wendy

  16. My husband died hours before our 29th anniversary. I wasn’t even in the state. Our youngest daughter sent me to visit my brother & his family as a surprise birthday gift(my birthday is 4 days after our anniversary) for some reason I didn’t want to go. I always want to go visit and I really just didn’t want to. Now I wish I didn’t go. My daughter found him. She feels guilty for setting me on the trip. She thinks that if I was home I could’ve stopped it. I privately wonder the same thing.
    It has been just a year. It feels like a few weeks ago. On Top of everything Covid hit. I had to sell my house. I am now in a place I absolutely despise. Mostly because it’s the only thing I could afford. I absolutely hate that I wake up every day! I hate life that I have now. I Want my old life back.
    I’m starting to get people saying I have to move on. Move on to what? Not like you can do much with Covid going on even if I wanted to do something.
    On top of this my nephew passed away so suddenly at 27 years old. I am very good friends with my sister-in-law. I get her grief I understand some of the things she saying. But at the same time I don’t. It’s been four months for her and she won’t even go to work. She just cries all day long. I know this is wrong but at the same time I don’t understand it. She still has her husband. She still has her house. She still has her business. Basically she still has her life. I have nothing. I had to go back one week after he died. I don’t even want to leave the damn house. But I have to or I don’t eat. I feel like she has no idea how good she really has it. I had to pack up my entire house pretty much alone. I thought it was going to kill me it was so difficult! I had my 2 daughters And two of their friends helping. I feel like I move the whole damn truck by myself in Florida summer. I thought it was going to kill me. I wish it did. I just want to go back to the way my life was instead of living in this constant hell!

    1. I relate, I lost my husband 7/30/21. I am still grieving terribly. I am in your shoes as far as financial issues. I worked hard my whole life and so did my husband. Now I am dirt poor and on social security. It is the elephant in the room. I live in a 1983 camper trailer, and I think that says it all. I am 66. I do understand. I hope you are doing ok

  17. I lost my love.. my life .. on my 50th birthday.. just 54 days ago. I didn’t celebrate the holidays.. his gifts are still wrapped; in a neat pile, waiting for him to come home.. but he’ll never come home.. he’ll never run my bath again.. he’ll never tell me to come into the den to watch a movie with him.. he’ll never be next to me comforting or annoying me..or anything ever again. I can’t imagine ever, ever again having another good day. I don’t even want to have another day .. not one without him.

    1. Hello Teresa,
      I’m so sorry you’re in this awful, unbearable and painful situation.
      The pain is like no other I’ve ever felt or continue to feel. To happen on what should have been such a special day for you makes it, if possible, even more poignant.
      Like me I’m sure you’ve heard all the cliches, the words of “comfort” when nothing even touches the edges of your pain.

      Some people go on to make a new life for themselves while still honouring and remembering the love of their life. Maybe family, friends, career or ambitions pull them through and become their reason to carry on and take pleasure in life again.
      Others are like myself who nearly 3 years later, I’m still here but the pain and shock of that night never leave me. I cope with everyday life but can find no reason or pleasure in the days. What little comfort I find is in walking in places we walked in and loved and keeping to a way of life that we enjoyed.
      All I can say is that few people understand how you feel, in the weeks and months ahead do what feels right for you. Don’t be hurried into making decisions. Take time to grieve and treasure your life together.

      All best wishes , Yvonne.

      1. I cant believe this I was looking around the net to find help and found a post .And I was in shock the person talking about how she felt after her hubby passed was to the T the same way I felt,,she signed off has Yvonne..I was shocked not only did she talk how I felt but her name is Yvonne, mine is Yvonne to, god works in many different ways wow just wow

  18. I too ! Like all of you Lost my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend, the person that completed me, he was the missing piece that was needed, at just the right time and from then and there our journey as One began ! I am beyond words grateful that I loved and was loved, he was everything and he was everyone and this is what he was to me ! He passed away so suddenly, so fast ! I can’t remember if I blinked and if I breathed and he was gone ! I realized at that ! and I lost time ! as I held him in my arms ! that We were no longer One, not even half , because all that we were, that he was, that I was, was gone because He took it all with him ! I try to reach for the memories to stop the pain, but the pain just eats them up !! I hope that he is in a better place ! because Whatever this is ! Zombie ! the Walking dead ! Just about sums it up !

  19. I lost my husband 3 months and 2 days ago and I’m loosing my mind I know everyone is tired of hearing me cry I feel like I’m still on November 14th 2020 and I can’t get past it

  20. My husband of 42years died Nov. 10. It was a heart attack or pulmonary embolism. No one knows or I believed cared. I was driving him to get a prescription for heartburn. He had gotten out of the Dr. 10 minutes or so earlier when he started making death sounds. I knew he was dying as I raced down the interstate to a clinic up ahead. I have had a bad day today. Saturdays were our day to get out of the house. I still scream in a pillow , I cut my hair short, I want to erase all memories of our life that’s gone now.. I feel like a ghost. I died the day my husband did. I feel like I am making time until my body follows my heart and soul. This pain is so monstrous..There was no rehearsal for this. Now no second chances. I just want to hold my husbands hand ,tell him how much I have always loved him and always will. No one understands our ache so fierce we think we will die from it.. we just have each other’s words. We are not alone.

  21. Wow update for me, last communication was on Jan2/2021. Jim has now been gone for 5 months and how do I feel differently ?
    The bottom half of my comment got lost, maybe it will show
    up when it comes to you, if it doesn’t . . . Oh Well, just have to wait till I have another lonely Saturday Evening !


  22. My husband died 12/14/2020 suddenly. Reading everyone’s words makes me feel less alone. I feel what your feel. My heart aches like yours.

    My husband was only 49 years old and I will never be Whole again. We had no kids. We lived in this bubble focused on each other. Had all these plans for the future. A wave came crashing down on us and the life we knew was done. 22 years of marriage and now a lot of firsts have gone on. I went through them all but I’m definitely not the same person. I don’t know how you can be.
    Some wounds are so deep they can only be carried.

    I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

    1. I lost my hubby 2 years ago from a brain aneurysm (he was only 44) and me only 30 years old, we have a then 4 year old son.. I just cannot cope. He was my whole world 🌎

  23. I lost my husband one month ago today to Covid 19. He was in the ICU dor 11 days. He started out on a ventilator and then his lungs failed so they put him on an ECMO machine (artifical lung). He developed a catastophic brain bleed while on the machine (he was on heavy dose anticogulants to thin the blood). A brain bleed is a possible side effect of being on the machine. A nurse was with him when he passed but he was heavily sedated at the time so not sure if he was able to hear her. He had diabetes so I think that made it difficult to fight the covid. Finding it hard without him. Any advice?

    1. I took my Husband to Dialysis on 2/11/21, they refused to treat him because to was too weak from Covid Pneumonia , he was transported to the ER by rescue, while I parked my car and went into the ER, I was denied to see him because of Covid, I constantly asked for the doctors or nurses for updates they finally told the Receptionist at the front desk to tell me that they were admitting him and he need dialysis immediately and I could not see him, I stayed at the hospital for 5 hours still being denied to see him, I went home and kept calling the hospital with no one answering, finally a nurse told me that my Husband was extremely weak but was doing better, they were able to get his blood pressure up and his o2 sats we’re better, I asked to speak with him but was told that he’s sleeping a lot from the medicine and was very weak, I asked her to tell him I love him and I was not allowed to come see him she said she would don’t know if she did, I continued to call his room no answer, I know I called his room at least 10,000 or more times hoping to hear his voice but no one picked up, no nurse or assistant. Finally on 2/14/21- Valentine’s Day I called and he picked up the phone I was soo shocked, I said hello he said hey babe I started talking very fast I could hear his breath was short, I asked how he was he said in a sad voice I’m alright, I told him I’ve been trying to come see him but they were not letting anyone on the floor, he said o.k, I told him to pray and to try to breathe better so he could come home, I told him I Love him and can’t wait until he comes home, he then told me to call him back. I asked at 12 noon, He said ok and asked him to make sure he answered the phone the nurse said he was feeling a little better,I was soo glad to hear his voice, I thought he would be home really soon because he sound soo good, we hung up I called at 12 noon no answer for the rest of the evening, I called the nurse station still no answer I called soo much the phone kept giving a busy siginal, the next morning I went to work constantly calling on my way there, still no answer, about 10am on 2/15/21 I called the nurse station and they answered I was told that my husband had turned for the worst she said during the night he must have pulled his oxygen tube from his nose and he now required 10 liters of oxygen,I again asked if I could come see him now and was told No due to Covid, A nurse practitioner called and said they may need to incubate him but they weren’t sure I told him not to do anything until they called me because He was totally against ventilators, he always watched Covid very closely and felt that the hospital was putting patients on vents to make money therefore he did not want to be on a ventilator. I was told they would call me back once they spoke with the doctor, I never heard anything else, I tried working and called when I got off work and was told he had to be transferred to ICU but was doing okay and stabilized , I was really upset because no one was informing me about what was happening, I’m thinking since they haven’t called he was showing improvement , I was still denied the chance to come to ICU, I went home from work to talk to my Daughter, At 6:45p I get a call from ICU who stated to me that the doctor wanted me to come to the hospital to talk about his health, I’m thinking they wanted my consent to put him on a ventilator, I was soo prepared to tell them No because he did not want it, It was storming I ran all the way to the ER with my cousin, when I walked in the door my husband was looking at the door with his eyes open as if he was waiting for me, he had a ventilator, I walked to him and said hey Bebe I’m so glad to see you he was warm but didn’t say anything, the Dr. touched me and said I’m sorry we did everything to save him, he didn’t make it, I just lost it, I screamed and asked what have y’all done to him, I jumped on the bed, closed his eyes and held him, remember he had Covid with Pneumonia and I had been denied the right to see him since 2/11/21, but they let me, my cousin, brother and sister-in-law in ICU the day he passed, how do they know at the time any of us were positive or if he could have transferred the virus to us at this point they didn’t care, I begged to see him he died alone, no one called to see if I wanted a Pastor to pray for his soul, no one could tell me if he cried, if he called for me, if he was mistreated, I felt they just sedated him and left him in the room alone on that ventilator until it killed him, I felt they didn’t want me around because I would have saved him, I never signed or consent for him to be on that Vent, they took my husband life and did what they wanted and that was made money off a ill man who I trusted would help him these are horrible people who did not contact the spouse about their Love one, my Husband died without a will because I wasn’t allowed to see him prior to him being sedated with soo many meds, due to the stress and sudden death of my Husband and the facility where he died Also where I worked I had to retire early. I hope that other families loved ones did not have to endure this pain, it’s been 9 months now and I have a little strength to seek legal advice. At this time I’m lost in my life, I never had a chance to say goodbye every time my husband was ill and had to be admitted I was there, I would have put on PPE gloves and took care of him, he slept so much I don’t think he was ever checked on properly. My Life will never be the same because of the neglect I felt and I know my husband felt, I pray that when Covid is at a ease the government go back and look into how many I’ll patients was put on Ventilators and lost their life and just total how much money these Hospitals made from the use of their Ventilators. They knew if they deny family access they could do whatever they wanted with these extremely sick patients.

      1. You are SO right about these hospitals, for a modern country, we’ve had a very high death rate for COVID. And lots of medical accidents and negligence, related to that virus and other situations. I hope that you will be up to getting a good lawyer to prosecute everyone involved,who is responsible for the premature death of your husband! Something definitely is not right regarding how his treatment was handled. Many lawyers will take a case on contingency,so that you won’t have to pay a retainer fee. Document all interactions with them,the hospital and doctors/ nurses. The lawyer will need those for your case.

  24. Hello,

    I lost my husband March 5, 2021 a terrible accident at his work place. Married 31 years and loved each other for 40. He been there 43 years. I just saw him about 30 min before it happened. We were planning what to fix for our granddaughter for supper that night and going camping the next weekend. Going to go fishing that weekend to catch fish for our friends and family. He kissed me good by and said call if you need anything. I keep asking myself why didn’t I call, we only live a few feet away from his work place so when it happened I ran there to be with him. He was already gone. the Equipment he was moving the ground under it gave way and it fell into the lake, he tried to get out but didn’t, in less than 10 min he was gone. I knew something was wrong about 30 min after he left I kept asking my self when he would be coming home for lunch why isn’t he here. Kept looking at the clock and time just seemed to stop. I saw him at 9:45am and kissed him good by. he was gone by 10;30 AM. My world will never be the same our kids and grandkids family and friends. Its been so hard to think about anything, I don’t really care any more. I feel like a shadow moving in and out of each day, now when I with other people I feel empty and lonely. I look for him when someone said something funny and I cant find him, or when I get sick he was always so good to know what to do. I have panic attacks like all the time. I don’t want to move but we live way out in the country and so its hard to fine someone to come help with anything. So I have to sale my life in order to keep living it . Doesn’t seem fair. My family never experience a loss like this so they think there helping but they are not, I don’t have the hart to tell them. I had to go back to work and it takes every ounce I have to get out of bed and I cry all the way to work and hold it in them cry all the way home. Our kids are grown and they tried to be there but life goes on. I don’t care about the yard or the house, its hard to watch TV or listen to the radio, seems its all dribble. I cant find anything more importin right now but my loss or pain. Sorry I may have gone on to much, but this is first time I have found someone who truly understands some of what I feel and going through. Even other ladies who are friends and have lost husband don’t call any more or even text. They want who I was 5 weeks ago, That person will never exists aging. I just never thought for one sec He would be gone at 63 years. So full of life and loved to laugh. I pray but still havent gotten any answers yet. Thank you for listening

  25. I lost my husband March 5th 2021 it was a Friday he was home we were talking about making plans what to fix for supper that night with our granddaughter coming over going camping the next weekend catching fish that Saturday. He left the house at 9:45 a.m. and he was gone by 10:30 a.m. we only live a few minutes where he works so the accident happened I went right over there ,there wasn’t anything I could do I felt useless and helpless knowing that if it have been me he would have done everything to get me free and out of the water. You see he was moving a big piece of equipment at work the ground gave away and the equipment slid into the water so his injuries then he sustained wasn’t life-threatening the fact that the water was 25 degrees cold and he was trying to get out the escape hatch of the equipment it just wasn’t quick enough but then in 15 minutes my entire life changed. Our plans for not only just that day but the rest of our lives would never be. I stood there on the bank watching and waiting and everyone standing around me couldn’t do anything I was mad why were they there if they wasn’t going to help? The day seem all the same I feel like a shadow floating through the day I’m there but I’m not really seeing that’s okay sometimes my family’s never suffered a tragic loss like this before so they’re not really sure how to handle it. he was the heart and soul of everything. We were married 31 years been in love 40.we were soulmates. I miss him so much but I’m sitting listening to conversation trying to pretend like I’m engaged in it and someone says something funny I automatically turned look into his eyes I can’t find his eyes I can’t see your smile. I feel like one of those big where’s Waldo cartoons and you keep looking for him but you can’t find him. He loved to laugh and a have a good time he was awesome father and Papa. But even better husband we were best friends then we became lovers then we became husband and wife. These Last 5 Years as if the honeymoon had just started are kids are grown out of the house just us the we love our children and miss them and always always loved when they were here and our grandchildren were everything to us we truly enjoy each other’s company. There wasn’t one moment that I didn’t look in his eyes and feel as though I was loved from the inside out and I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I myself never felt that I truly was pretty LOL but he always made me feel like I was. I can’t tolerate the radio or the TV anymore nothing seems important I can barely get out of bed most days then I asked myself what does it matter if I sweep the floor I mow the grass does it really matter isn’t that important in life. I try to tell myself he would want you to be happy he would want you to do things but I can’t get my heart to believe it. My granddaughter who stayed with a Salat she can’t bring herself to ride the bikes , I want to go on a four-wheeler ride , or even take a walk with me like we used to. I pray and make sure God knows can you sing I I love him. People have stopped calling and asking they don’t really want to hear it they want you to be the person you was weeks before the accident but you see I died also that day that person will never live again. I had to go back to work not because I wanted to but you got to pay the bills at least that’s what they tell me, the thought of being around people and listening to him talk about what a great weekend they had I’m not bitter it’s just hard because everyday is the same it doesn’t matter what day of the week it is the weekends are just too long. And what’s really frustrating as a woman I can tell you how to do something I just can’t do it so now I have to call add to make appointments I have to ask I have to depend on someone else to do those things that my husband did for me everyday. I get car sick pretty easy he always knew how to take care of me I never worried because he would always make sure I was okay, and now there is nobody yes I have family around me but they don’t really know making taking bring you home Lay You Down but they’re going to leave so then you’re here by yourself take care of yourself. How unfair life is been to all of us. I even noticed I’m not on social media very much the one I am I’ve noticed that no one even comments on my page anymore. We weren’t social butterflies we worked come home each other’s company is what we enjoy went to church on Sundays we camped with family and friends cuz y’all know everybody has their own life and their own way of dealing with it. And I have to get on with her life whatever that you are seems like it just stand still. I am so sorry there’s so many of us on here with the same similar stories so unique honored Club but I didn’t know I’d be joining this soon in my life. I feel like just a shell I’m a woman. I keep breathing my chest is heavy

  26. I’m so here for the comments. I can truly relate. I lost my husband December 31, 2020. The pain is indescribable and life altering. I miss him so much. We did everything together. I try to understand, I try to move on but it’s so hard. I look at our pictures, I spray his favorite cologne, I ware his favorite necklace…. sometimes I just feel like I’m just here existing and not living…… this is the hardest thing I’ve every had to do in my life. I have to find the strength everyday to keep living. I find that strength in my kids. One day at a time. Peace & blessing

  27. I lost my precious husband suddenly on July 4, 2021. The pain I’ve been feeling is so unbearable, especially since I watched him die. He had lung cancer which seemed to be getting better since it was shrinking. He developed a blood clot in his lung a month before but they put him on blood thinners which made it go away. We were making plans for the next year for us to go on another cruise. On that early morning I heard him coughing in the bathroom, the last words he said to me were Pam, I’m coughing up blood again, I can’t breathe, go get me my inhaler, I went to get his inhaler and heard him hit the floor, and saw him bleed out from his mouth…called 911, they worked on him for an hour and almost another hour at the hospital. He died from a major hymoptysis. That was the worse thing I could ever see. It’s been 2 months and I still see visions of him dying. I miss him so much, I love him so much. I don’t understand why he had to go that way. I feel alone, lost, angry, depressed. I ask God to please let me see him again so I can tell him how much I love him. Nothing feels the same anymore. I want the love of my life back, he died 10 days before our 3rd anniversary. We were together for 14 years but got married 2018. We also didn’t have children together but have children separately. I still talk to him like he’s here, I still can’t believe this has happened. He was well loved by everyone who knew him. He would have turned 69 this year. This is the worse feeling I’ve ever felt in my life

  28. I agree completely with the views of the original letter write and I am sorry she is struggling. My husband died four years ago from Lewy Body disease, among other things. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother was very shaming and critical. Our son is, and has always been, extremely difficult to deal with. As an adult he is abusive, physically and emotionally. For me, knowing I can “leave” anytime is often the only ray of hope I have.

  29. I lost my beautiful husband of 17 years on January 1st 2021, he died of a massive heart attack in front of me. He was 57 years old and reasonably healthy, working full time with 7 years to go before his retirement. It was sudden shocking and brutal. We just spent 7 days over Christmas and New Year’s in a countryside away from home, taking walks on the beach, eating well and relaxing. We had a beautiful dinner on New Year’s Eve, said that we loved each other and hugged. I miss him terribly, I cry and burn candles for him and can’t imagine life without him. Yet I also accept that death is our lot and we will all go one day. I would love to meet him again, be together again, have another chance to tell him how much I loved him, hug him and hold him close. It’s so difficult to accept that it will not happen again on this earth, not in this life. Yet I feel his spirit and talk to him all the time. People think it helpful to tell me to move on, find someone else, end the grieving, I get angry at them for not understanding that it just doesn’t work like that. Allow yourself time and space to feel what you feel. I think that we need to thread our paths as they unfold ahead of us and appreciate the beauty and pain alike, accept it. Love and solace to all of you who, like me, lost their beloveds.

  30. I just lost my fiance suddenly on oct 5 th,which was two weeks ago today.he was only 50 years old. he started having back pains in his lower back and it come and go.he was going to go to the doctor but he changed his mind. So we went and laid down in bed and I didn’t know he wasn’t going to wake up the next day. Before I fell asleep I rubbed my fingers down his face as he was snoring his eyes were closed and he did this big smile.i told him I loved him and I guess I fell asleep which was around midnight and ,well I woke up at 625 am his stomach wasn’t moving up and down and he wasn’t snoring,he was in the same exact way he was when I laid down next to him.i screamed and tried to wake him up and couldn’t then I called 911 and they came and tried to bring hm back but couldn’t.i get so bad and asked God to please bring him back. If I only knew the signs of someone passing away or that backpain could be more serious.i still feel like I let him pass away. I have asked God and my fiance to forgive me but I haven’t seen him or feel his presence here with me.i put his pictures up everywhere so I remember him smiling and not how I found him that morning. I still don’t know how he passed away suddenly.a I know is something about major organ failure. He was so nervous about turning 50 and was under alot of stress.he was the sweetest person I ever met.always had great jokes,talked to me about God Every day,always was feels so quiet and lonely without him.i have our cat,which he misses him too. I wear his engagement\wedding ring on a necklace and wear mine everyday.we were going to get married but never got too.we weren’t together as long as many of you but we were together 5 years and 8 was the best ears of my life and I miss him everyday.i lay on his side of the bed because it hurts not seeing him next to me.i miss his arms around me and everything.i have three twenty second videos of him talking,doing his air guitar,and joking around.i watch them so I remember his voice.i want to go be with him so so glad I finally experienced what it felt like to have someone really love me like I do him.he was my everything. I just hope he forgives me someday for not knowing he was passing away and not getting help in of the EMS lady told me he passed away peacefully in his sleep next to me but I don’t know if he really did or if she wanted to make me feel better. I just feel so awful and upset that I’m still here and he isn’t.i always wanted to go before him.i just love and miss him so much.i just don’t want to move on without him.i feel empty without him

  31. My husband of 33 years died of a stroke on 10/16/21. He didn’t want to be incubated so he died with comfort care and myself and sons by his side. I’m lost, can’t figure out what to do and feel so incredibly alone. we are having a memorial service in a couple weeks but I’m actually dreading that. He had just retired a year and a half ago. We had so many plans.

  32. I lost my husband of almost 46 years 12 weeks ago. We were out to dinner to celebrate his birthday and he collapsed at the table and couldn’t be revived.
    I am lost without him. I am trying to go on for my children but feel like I want to
    wake up from a bad dream.

    1. Hi Brenny I lost my husband last year in May due to covid no symptoms. We were into same profession now I alone is looking after this. I also have 3 children all are unsettled
      Elder is 20 and youngest is 16
      Life has taken U turn
      But I believe in fake till you make. So don’t show your grief to anyone
      This is not the end of life May be its a new beginning. Be positive. No
      Body can understand so why should we show our weak point to others. From.last 2-3 days I am not able to sleep . But no body will understand. So talking to you
      Take care everyday is not same.

  33. My husband and I had been married for 52 years. He had fought heart disease and diabetes for 3 decades, and by this year, he was doing great. But very afraid to get Covid. We went and got the Pfizer vaccine as soon as we found a slot, on March 8th. We had to stay in the CVS for 15 minutes. My husband wanted a KitKat bar and veggie chips. I told him he could have both. We got home and and he felt very very tired. We made tacos for lunch and he was then so tired he had to lay down. He got through that week, and by Saturday, we had our son’s birthday. Our son has down syndrome, and he has 6 sisters. Nineteen grandchildren. Our small army. My hubby was eating fajitas, drinking wine, and slipping the older grandsons money. Four days later we were having our morning coffee and after about 2 hours, he suddenly said he was short winded. I asked if he needed to go somewhere, and he said not yet. We walked our dog, went to the bank, and only then would he go to the ER. He had plureal effusion. Long story short, he was already dying of small cell lung cancer, we just did not know it. He never smoked. He was a Marine. He was a Police Officer. His whole life was about service to others. He prayed everyday, many times a day. He loved God! But the next 28 days were the worst of my life. Many ERs, 5 ambulances, 4 hospitals…….$651,904 in medical and he was gone. Doctors scrambled for answers. He “must” have had a dormant cancer and the vaccine triggered it to go active? Four others in the US have had the exact same thing happen. Three of them have died as well. I miss my soulmate. I want closure on how he died. He was running and chasing a three year old! How can you do that when you are dying? I am now a single mom. I miss him every day. It takes my breath away when I realize he will never be here again.

  34. I just lost my husband and soulmate of 25 years, 28 days ago on November 20, 2021 from complications of Stage 4 Kidney Cancer, I am just starting now to realize he is gone and it is so painful I don’t know how I will do life without him. We were inseparable, I look at the life we built and planned together and now it has no meaning. My life now looks like a long bleak empty road, he was such a light in my life. Thank you all for sharing, I imagine there is a very long and difficult road ahead. I still cannot believe it

  35. It is Christmas and my heart is breaking. This is my second Christmas without my dearest husband, and it does not get easier for me. All I can do is curl in a ball on our bed and wish to be back to the wonderful holidays we spent together. I am not even half without him, I am nothing. The grief, pain, loneliness , and feeling of not wanting to live without him never go away. I have been called back to work, which helps, if only for a short while. I feel all of your despair in your words and your feelings are so similar to my own. I email my husband every day. I am still taking antidepressants and something to help me sleep. Nothing seems to help. The only thing I want is him to be home with me.
    Love to all of you

    1. I feel the exact same way as everyone. It will be 2yrs in July since my husband of 27years passed. I still wake up every morning in disbelief. He passed of medical negligence when in the hospital for a fall. He was only 51. I didn’t get to see him because he was in a different state. By the time I got to the hospital I was too late. The Dr told me the news over the phone. I’m so lost without him. I can still here his voice and know exactly what he would say. He was truly my soulmate and my best friend. Don’t know how the live without him. I just want to be at peace with my husband again. We have 2 boys and he was an amazing father. Some days I pretend it never happened and he’s still home. Then reality hits own and I’m crushed all over again.

  36. Catherine Robinson

    My husband died this morning after a heart stent was put in. I know that he was 87 and I should have been better prepared, but I ache so much, especially his not arriving home this evening. We were married 32 years and our lives were so comingled. I cannot even begin to express how anxious I feel this evening. At 81 I feel like a frightened terrified child. Thanks for listening.

  37. I lost my fiancee suddenly on Tuesday morning we plans to get married next and spend the rest of our life’s together I just found her in bed on she was fine on Monday joking she even had her dinner as usual and now I just lost as I don’t want carry I am so heartbroken 💔

  38. I lost my husband three months ago, July 15, 2023 unexpectedly. He was sedated for an MRI, and the following day before they lowered his sedation to wake him up and release him, they found a massive blood clot in his heart. I had to place a DNR on him, and make the awful decision to have him taken off life support and have him remain sedated, until he passed away. No one should ever have to make that decision. I often wonder if it was the right one, or if another hospital could have helped him. The days are long and the nights are hard. Every passing day gets harder and harder. We were together for 14 years, and married for almost one (our 1 year wedding anniversary was on October 1st). But, they were the most incredible and amazing years of my life. He was my soulmate, my life, my best friend, and the love of my life. I am broken and lost without him. There is nothing left for me here in this world. My soul and my heart are exhausted. I’m alive but not living. I wish I could go to sleep, never wake up, and be with him for eternity in the afterlife. I will never be “OK” or “better”. I have no desire to keep going. I don’t see myself ever being happy or laughing again. I don’t understand why I’m still here, and he no longer is.

    1. Sherri – Your situation reminds me of mine. I came home on a Satruday afternoon (Aug 5) and could not find my husband. I found him on the floor in our bedroom and was already gone. Autopsy report indicated that he had a pulmonary embolism (heart also). He was very healthy, had just come back from a bike ride. In an instant, my life was changed. We had been together for 16 years and married for almost 10 (Aug 31). He was my soulmate and my rock and I loved him more than I ever could have imagined. He loved me the same way. All of the things you said resonate with me. It’s been 3 1/2 months and it’s still hard to believe he’s really gone. I have lots of support, which is such a blessing, but I just don’t care about much. I miss him SO much.

    2. Hi,
      I lost my Husband 2 years ago, but my mind and heart feels like it just happened.
      I truly wish I could say it gets acceptable but that would be a lie, I m breathing that’s about it. I move through this life with a hole and emptiness I have never felt before. My Husband was sitting and talking to me about what we were going to eat for supper that night our granddaughter was coming to stay and planning our next camping trip, how lucky we had been and blessed, what a great year we had planed. Then he left for work and 30 min later was killed.
      Like your Husband he was everything to me all wrap up in a prefect package. Now i just stand in a room and think now what, I go through the days feeling nothing but sadness. No Joy I smile but don’t really feel it not on the inside like I did. I pray a lot He was a God fearing man and I know he is with our heavenly father, but I really wish he was still with me.

  39. I lost my husband of 49 years on March 26, 2023. The holidays are coming up and I miss him so much. I feel mad at myself that I should have been able to shave him and wonder why I did not go first. I have good days and I have bad days. The evenings are
    the worst time for me. I just feel alone and sad. I have had to learn to do things that he
    normally took care. I realized I did not give him credit for all that he took care of. I just
    took it for granite. I wish I could talk to him one more time.

  40. My husband went to Heaven April 26,2023. A few hours after his 83rd birthday. We were together 43 years. It wasn’t enough. We did things together. He had a stroke 5 years earlier but he still got around on a Hemi-walker. I still can’t believe he is not here. I go to bed with tears and most mornings wake with tears. After a few months I tried walking. I went back to church. I joined griefshare. But nothing dims missing him. I feel so alone even around other people. I think it might help to do this or that but I don’t have the energy or care to get it together to make it happen. I’ve read the second year is worse and I don’t know how it can be or how a person can stand it. I know I’ll never be the same. It was helpful reading the posts of people who say how they really feel instead of what they’re expected to say to make other people feel better. I’m sure it makes people uncomfortable to be around a grieving person but I don’t know the answer. I feel like a weeping willow. I pray you all can find the peace that alludes me.

  41. Catherine D Robinson

    I lost my husband of 32 years 1 and 1/2 years ago. In the early days I was so mad. I went to the cemetery and screamed over and over again at his leaving me. Of course, this was a very small place, so I was totally alone.
    I am 83 and trying to sell our house, but I cannot keep it up. I took on two people’s jobs. Some days I am lucky to just take care of the dogs. Overwhelmed is my new life. I finally stopped walking, after being healthy and able for most of my life. The pains of old age are finally with me all of the time. I have limited choices; low back surgery for scoliosis and sciatica or pain medicine. I still haven’t decided.
    I am a retired psychologist and have been fulfilling my life purpose, as best as I can. I do not always know what the next thing is, that I am to do. I can see that there is a need for group therapy for those of us who are grieving.
    It seems to me that grieving is looking back. To move on one has to focus on the present and eventually the future. I wish I could meet all of you, so I will send my love instead.

  42. Sending prayers and support. My mother who had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone disease for 3 years at the age of 82 had all her symptoms reversed with Ayurveda medicine from natural herbs centre after undergoing their MND Ayurvedic protocol, she’s now able to comprehend what is seen and she no longer needs the feeding tube to feed,. God Bless all MND disease Caregivers. Stay Strong, take small moments throughout the day to thank yourself, to love your self, and pray to whatever faith, star, spiritual force you believe in and ask for strength, seek out naturalherbscentre. com i can personally vouch for these remedy but you would probably need to decide what works best for you

  43. Hello again I forgot to mention that my husband was only 61 years old. Also those nasty “women,” he never ever met anyone of them. He always gave them a fake address. He also lied to them, stating that he owed a lot of money to hospital bills. I also forgot to mention that he did have a heart attack in 2021. But was seeing a cardiologist yearly without any further problems. Sorry for forgetting to mention this earlier.


  44. Hello my name is Sabina and I’m not sure why my first post wasn’t there but here is my long story.


    I also lost my husband two months ago. We were together for 35 years. He was the love of my life the only partner I ever had. On January 4th while working at his second job (doing deliveries) his knee gave out and he fell and broke his hip. He had successful surgery the next day. He was all set to go the rehab center. Financially he was being taken care of by workers comp. On January 12th they discovered a loose screw in his knee. They did a brief procedure and that went well. I received a phone call from a nurse on 6:27 p.m. stating that he had low blood pressure. He spoke to me briefly and told me that he loved me. Forty five minutes later he went into cardiac arrest, they worked on him for 45 minutes and he didn’t make it. I wasn’t able to go to the hospital because it was 45 minute away and I was sick with mild Covid. I don’t know if he knew that he was dying when he told me loved me, I will never know. I was grateful to hear that.

    Adding to the fact that he died, I later found out by looking at my computer and his phone that he was messaging women and looking at their naked bodies. Apparently he was messaging one of the for almost 2 years. He wasn’t in contact with her all of the time, he took breaks from her. Of course he also paid them by using Amazon gift cards. I know the main reason he did that was be cause he had an ED problem. He tried many pills, but sadly that didn’t work. I always wanted to be romantically with him and he knew that. He told his best friend(who later told me) that it didn’t have anything to do with me. I believe he had an addiction to it. I think it started that he wanted to be desired by other women. Now I know all of these women were fake, most were probably not even women. But this hurts me deeply that he couldn’t talk to me about it. Although I did catch talking with one of them in April of 2023. He told me it would stop but it never did. I did find out that 2 days before his accident he ordered more pills to try and improve his condition for us. Also he told his friend that when he was looking at the naked pictures, he was not able to get an erection. So I know that it wasn’t just me. He also planned a trip for our family to Disney in April of this year. I know that he wanted to be with me and our family. But the things that he wrote to those “women” things like he loved them and he wanted to be with them. I know he wrote similar things to all of them. So I know that he wasn’t in love with them. But seeing all of that still hurts me deeply.

    I know that if I found out when he was alive I would have forgiven him. I loved him a lot and he loved me as well. Every day I ask God to please let me die so that I can join him. I love him now more than ever. I feel that I took him for granted. We didn’t always say that we loved one another. But after being together for 35 years, I thought that he always knew. Sure we argued and I called him names at times. But deep down I loved him and he loved me. We were raising a family and things aren’t always the same from the time you first get married. I worried about our finances and his health and just being together. Another problem was that he worked two jobs and only had 1 day off in the week. That didn’t leave for much time as a couple.

    I miss him more than ever and would gladly join him right this instant. I feel like my life is over. I cry for him every single day. But I don’t mind the tears, they remind of him. I never, ever want to forget him.

    Sorry if this was very long. But my story is long and I’m crying now as I type this.


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