Reader Comments: After sudden death of a husband; finding meaning in life

Dear Sabina,
That is a terrible experience. I know the pain of loss because I too lost my husband. We weren’t married very long because he was ill and I knew that when I decided to marry him. We were so certain that after his heart valve replacement he would be well again. I funded the operation and I did it with all of my heart. I loved him so much but it’s never crossed my mind that he may not be well he may not get better. For a while he was very well but what we didn’t know i was that he was very susceptible to infection. He went to a horrible dentist who didn’t put him on antibiotics prior to a tooth extraction or after. A month and a half later he had a vegetation on his prosthetic valve and a staph infection in his bloodstream. We were in hospital for a month and a half battling this vicious infection and another heart valve replacement. Not for a moment, despite the doctors telling me of the seriousness of his condition, not for a moment did I let it cross my mind that he would not survive. He died from sepsis 10 minutes after I had left the ICU. He was trying so hard to say something to me because he was intubated and I couldn’t make out what it was. His eyes were still open when they let me into the morgue for that brief moment I wanted to crawl in there with him. I’ve been replaying this over and over and over. It’s been a year and a half now since he left me. I will never get over the pain of this loss, nor able to be rid of the “aloneness”that I feel without him beside my side. My life is empty without him. My dreams have left with him. I invested all of myself in our marriage. Sold my home, quit my job even left my country. I know it’s irrational to be angry at him. I’ve known him for over 35 years. He was a friend before he became a lover and then my husband. I can’t hold this against him. That was the path of his life and I feel fortunate that I was able to cross that path in a profound way before he left this life. I can only imagine the anger you must feel at discovering these things about your husband after he had died. You must love him very much to have forgiven him. I understand, though. True love is never conditional. You don’t love someone by the measure of the love they have for you or how much they have done for you in return. You just love them. Unconditionally.

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My husband died on December 10, 2024. 47 years of marriage, 3 of dating. Same thing, died in his sleep, right next to me. I tried CPR while the paramedics were on their way. They said cardiac arrest. I have been visited by him twice now and we spoke to each other. He was my soulmate we did everything thing together, he made me laugh every single day with his quick wit! I’ve never been a cryer but now I cry at least twice a week or more. Weird though, when he visits me, there are other souls with him. I’m so confused. The visits aren’t long but I’ve seen his face/smile and heard his voice as I sit up in bed and pinch myself! I’ve known he’s with me sometimes but this seeing and speaking is new…. I miss him terribly but I am feeling stronger since his death.

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Sandra I am so so sorry. I can’t imagine your heartache. I promise you that your husband will still be with you. Pretty soon you will start noticing little things like stuff moved or it will feel like he’s hugging you or holding your hand. My husband likes to move my car keys and do knocks on my door or walls. When it first started it scared me but know I look forward to it. You will never get over it. My husband has been gone a year in July and I love and miss him more every day. I know for sure he was my absolute soulmate and I can’t wait to see him again. I hope things get better for you. I know it never does but trying to be positive. Since J… died I’ve had nothing but bad bad luck. I will pray for you to find calm and happiness.

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Hi Betty. Your life story really touched me. My husband died it suddenly at 39. It will be a year this July 14. We were so in love and for sure soul mates. He was born a very sick baby and a sicker adult. I haven’t cried I think because now I know he’s not suffering anymore more. It’s all I have not to lose my mind. I had to give him CPR the ambulance took over 30 minutes. I think I still in shock. I’m just numb but inside I’m balling and just falling apart. I had worked for several years to take care of our family because he was so sick. In a heart beat I lost it all. I had no money to bury him and a burial bill of almost ten grand. I couldn’t go back to my job because now I can’t be around people I have terrible panic attacks. I’m sorry maybe I’m hoping you have advice or something. I’m extremely lost and feel like nothing matters. Also my luck.has went down hill.since the day he died. I hope your heart is trying to mend. I doubt I ever get over it. I love and miss him more everyday. God bless. I hope it gets better and you have a great day. You can email me at…

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I feel so much like you. I too lost my husband of 42.5 years nearly 4 years ago. The loneliness and wanting, wishes, to change this horrible happening always. And we both know it doesn’t work. I cry daily and am diagnosed with depression, post-traumatic stress syndrome, anxiety, it goes on and on. I have had anxiety a long while but losing my husband really kicked that up a notch. I don’t sleep well, go down at 3 or 4 fighting the need to sleep. I think I don’t sleep because I don’t want to wake up to that nightmare of my life losing my husband (which was in the morning). I let myself go, gained weight, stop exercising which I was diligent about. I ran and ran in several relays and always placed in the relays for my age. Now I barely walk and do Aqua Zumba (That I love).

Would love to chat with you, I recognize we share similar feelings and struggle the same loss.
Hope to be friends

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I’m in the same situation. My husband was here one minute and gone the next. No warning signs. Sudden death is so traumatic for the one left behind. We too have a child who is heartbroken and devastated. It will be nine weeks tomorrow and yet it seems like yesterday.
I want to fast forward to a time when I don’t spend almost every waking minute crying and longing for him to be here. My best friend, lover, partner in life. It’s so sad