“My son took his own life…” x

Dear Dr. Neimeyer,

My 17 year old son took his own life not even a month ago. I find I can’t even type the details. He used a shotgun in our basement. Our whole family  found him shortly afterwards.

I recently read about “atypical depression” which very well described Edward’s condition. He was doing well. He was brilliant, funny, caring, compassionate and had good friends. He had the support and respect of his college aged gaming community. He was seeing a therapist. He had plans for the future. He knew he was well loved. He was successful in school and in the activities he loved best. He certainly had moments of great joy.

However, he also was occasionally moody, and had bouts of depression from which he seemed to bounce back. In his final note he said he didn’t believe he could change, that it wasn’t in his DNA or character. He reiterated how vehemently he was opposed to medication because it would change who he was. That he hoped we understood that he was going to be honest and true to himself to the very end.

He and I were very, very close. We talked about everything. I gave him all the time he needed and unconditional love beyond measure. He promised me he would always talk to me when he was down. And he did. Many times.

I’m now inconsolable. Did I miss a clue? Why didn’t he talk to me? I’ve spent my entire life devoted to being the best Mom to all of my sons. How could I have been so blind to Edward’s last despair? I’ve been so in tune with him for so long. His therapist told me she didn’t see ANYTHING to be concerned about. She called him “the great pretender.”

The very night before his suicide, I asked him how he was doing. He said, “I’m fine, Mom,” and hugged me. It was kind of a joke between us; and I asked, “No, really, how are you doing son?” He looked me right in the eye and said, “Really, Mom. I’m fine.” We hugged again and I told him I loved him.

I’m a wreck. We all are. We started individual and family therapy. I journal. I draw. I’ve written his friends to share memories and many have.

Even though he wrote to me in his note that he knew how much I loved him, thanked me for my support and always standing up for him, he also said he imagined my face when I saw him dead and it made him sad. Then said he loved me and that he would continue to love me even after his heart stopped beating, I’m not feeling comforted.

I cry and cry and cry and cry. I’m not sleeping or eating and am deeply depressed. (Started an antidepressant a week ago). I cannot imagine a life without Edward. He was my heart. I have frequent panic attacks and have to take an anti-anxiety medication because I am hysterical.

My main question is: Is it common with atypical depression to miss signs?

What else can I do to help my family now? I’m so useless. I’m not functioning. I can’t cook. I can’t do much of anything except cry, write and draw. Not much of that either because I can’t focus.

Help, please!

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Tragically, many survivors of suicide would no doubt identify with your sense of shock, horror and self-reproach in the aftermath of a family member’s suicide, which evidence suggests hits mothers especially hard. Especially when one has strived for a lifetime to “be in tune” with a deeply loved child, through triumphs and tribulations of all kinds, it can seem impossible that one “missed the signs” of imminent self-destruction. And yet, especially when our loved one masked an underlying hopelessness, sense of alienation or perceived burdensomeness with a sense of equanimity and reassurance–especially, as is often the case, once a highly lethal suicide plan has already been decided on, the cues are often few and faint, and hard to distinguish from other troubled times from which he or she had “bounced back” before. Ironically, the same brilliance and compassion that Edward evidently displayed in abundance could also be drawn upon to conceal his fatalism and “protect” you from his growing depression or despair. As a result, you, like far too many suicide survivors, are left replaying the tragedy without answers to your anguished questions, and blaming yourself for failing to discern his secret intents and avert the trauma of his dying.

What then can you do to help yourself and your family now? One answer would be to be compassionate to yourself. You are unlikely to be cruelly accusing other family members of inattention to Edward’s pain, so try to treat yourself with the same understanding. Recognize that the terrible isolation of suicide loss might call not only for the professional therapy that you have sought, but also for the community of others who have known some version of the same pain. Mutual support groups for suicide survivors online Alliance of Hope [Click Here] or optimally in person through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Support Groups [Click Here] can help restore a sense of connection in the face of stigmatizing loss, just as internet resources like the thoughtful Grief After Suicide blog [Click Here] can help provide provisional answers to the many questions that arise in the wake of such loss.

And finally, recognize that finding one’s footing in the world again after suicide bereavement is a longer term proposition, not something that can be measured in a few weeks or months. My advice in this regard is to start small, and stay connected. Collaborate with your family to prepare a meal together. Go for a walk with your husband daily. Make an effort to stay involved in the lives of your other sons, and open to their grief about your common loss. Share your art and journaling with responsive others, both professional and in your world of family and friends when it feels appropriate to do so. It is clear that, despite his pain, Edward loved you greatly, and adopting a loving attitude toward yourself even in your grief can meaningfully extend a positive legacy of his life, and help recapture it from the overshadowing circumstance of his tragic death.

–Dr. Neimeyer

15 thoughts on ““My son took his own life…” x”

  1. I can totally identify with Nancy. My precious, outgoing, full of life, funny, talented 20 year old son took his own life 3 years ago. As in Nancy’s case, we were so close and we thought he was doing great. He had a semester abroad in Cardiff all set to go to just a few weeks after his death and had spent the summer getting all of the paperwork and plans in place for his travels. Our last conversation was about how he worked out the details of his visa. He often shared his worries and frustrations with me but we did not know he was ever seriously at that level of depression. At the time of his death I thought he was quite happy with his life.

    So it’s been 3 years but finding peace and reconciling the son I knew with the son who did this is a continual battle. Great Christian counselors have been helpful and the need to continue to mother my 2 younger kids who are now in high school and college has given me motivation to get up every day and keep moving forward. But there is still much in our lives to grieve and overcome.

    Still trying to figure out how we will ever take another family portrait, how to answer the question “How many kids do you have?” and how to celebrate our first Christmas at home as we have traveled to relatives’ the past 3 holiday seasons. Things in our life that used to be highlights are now the most challenging. But what can we do other than try to focus on the good from the kids we do still have here on earth and to take healing one day at a time.

    Leah

  2. I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this, Nancy, but I my heart is breaking for you.

    Speaking as someone who has been on the other side of this, who has had to explain to her parents that she has suicidal thoughts, please don’t blame yourself. I’ve often been ashamed or afraid to tell them for the exact reasons you’ve touched upon: I don’t want them to blame themselves for what is, at the end of the day, a disease as real and indiscriminate as cancer.

    “Smiling depression” is difficult to spot. Also, those who take their own lives often seem happier than usual in the days leading up to their death, because they’ve made their peace. To look at them, this seems like a good thing, as though the depression is lifting. Even a psychiatrist or therapist could see it that way. Mood disorders are unpredictable, to say the least, and the sufferer is

    Please don’t think of yourself as useless. You’ve suffered a parent’s worst nightmare. I hope that in the time between your letter and now, you have found some healing and peace. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but from the perspective of someone with a severe mental disorder, I know your son loved you fiercely. People with depression typically feel like we’re a burden, so suicide is meant to benefit the ones we love. To a mind afflicted with a mental illness, this seems like the right thing to do.

    You did nothing wrong. You did not fail your son in any way. I hope that you can accept that and release any sense of guilt you may be carrying.

    I wish you peace and light.

    1. Dear Jane,
      You will probably never see this, but I want to thank you for your reply to Nancy’s post. I hope you are OK. Our beloved son took his life a little over a year ago. He was only 29. He had so much going for him. He was bright, handsome,loved music and animals and I know he loved his friends and family, but I know that he was ill. Depression didn’t allow him to see how great he was. I wish I had told him that more than I did, though I’m not sure it would have made any difference. He knew that we loved him. We did everything we knew to do to help him. He was evaluated and given medication ,but it wasn’t enough and one day he just slipped through our fingers. I know he had to be in bad shape to leave us as he did and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life and I believe that these endings can be prevented if we all work together to look out for vulnerable souls like my son and help them through their darkest hours by showing that you care and speaking out and helping them to find and get the help they need. I am so sorry and heartbroken for anyone who has to lose their son or daughter or sister, brother or loved one to this terrible disease.

  3. My son took his life 6 wks ago…I’ve never ever felt pain like it.. Every day is a struggle.I feel so guilty I didn’t save him that morning, he was my son and i should have been able to protect him..We talked about everything the wk leading upto his death even about suicide. He really would not have done this in a normal state of mind..I question myself all the time what had gone wrong that morning. People tell me how I should be feeling and what I should be doing…Some days I want to be with him ,I miss him so much the pain is so bad. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone ..I think what my life was like before he left me and how I can carry on without him…Maybe one day I maybe able to except that my son took his life.. I really dont think I will .Has I’m told so many times.Life goes on😢

    1. I lost my son on1011/2020. I know he had ptsd from seeing a half brother kill himself in front of my son. He had PTSD .from that. He also had ADD when he was young.Me and my kids were so close. I am struggling with it.He is forever 26 and has a little boy who is now 3 he was very close too as well. I miss him so bad every single day still. I think I always will. I feel like half of me died with him. I do not feel complete anymore. My kids were and are my life. I am so sad and heartbroken. I survive by only praying and asking Jesus to help me. .y heart longs to see him talk to him and hug and kiss him.. I know I need counciling . I just wanted you to know I understand thing things you said and have the same feelings. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. . Prayers for all of us that are struggling with these who have lost a child. Prayers and God bless. I pray also you find some peace.

  4. My Son also took his Life October 29, 2019! Reading this article as I’ve sought out something that may help me to understand How/Why? We were very close with open consistent communication. He and his 3yrs Older sister were also very close! He had a beautiful smile, sense of humor and talented in many ways. He was raised around the water and his Love of the water was reflected in his hobbies as well as job. He had many wonderful caring and loving friends. The severity of his mental state was not detected but was aware of some physical, mental/emotional pain and seeing a doctor! Who stated to me that “I did not see it coming!” or he too would’ve been there that evening in his despair. THAT is my agony as his mother and being so close that I was NOT there in his moment of hopelessness and despair! I will forever carry the pain of that with me! So continue to read I will…however, I do have his beautiful sister whom he Loved and She loved him! along with her 2sons (my grandsons) loved their Uncle and his sense of humor! For that I keep pushing forward and continue to read and search for some Peace and Understanding How in the World this could possibly have happened…Why didn’t he call me “I need you Mom”
    His Dr. stated their last visit was with a “firm handshake, eye to eye contact and a smile”! He knew he was Loved so very much and our last conversation just the day prior “I Love You Mom”…Please God help me to understand…AND I think I need a Doctor! Continue to read…I will! Being there will probably never be the right answer other than the Peace that he must have now is much better than what he felt at that moment I was not there:(

  5. My son took his own life in July past. Shotgun. I was forced to resign my position as a teacher twice in Ontario. My son was adopted. I had to leave him twice, in 1999 and 2005. I was a target for Workplace Mobbing on both occasions. To learn his story, you must learn mine. I’ve spent the last twenty years trying to re-unite with my son only to find him turn more hostile and disrespectful to me…even threaten me and no one said a word. I started to suspect my son’s depression (which I was the only one to see in him, even at a distance) would one day lead to his conclusion. When my ex-wife phoned me to tell me the news, her message sounded exactly like the one I’ve been hearing in my head. He’s gone now. What can I do personally to live on?

  6. My Grandson took his life September 29, 2020 Thank you to everyone who took the time to write here. I wonder all the time what can be done to help his parents, my son and daughter in law. I have been asked dumb questions from local people, like do you hate your Grandson. My answer, no why would I . I love him, he was 16 and he didn’t understand that this two shall pass. I am not angry with anyone. I just feel helpless and wish I could make it better. I know I can’t, so I have decided to just make myself available for what ever my family needs. Cheri M.Wayne

  7. I lost my son to suicide last week. He was 17 and an all rounder. He was outwardly sick of studies and since he had said this almost everytime his exams were near I couldn’t sense that he was so bothered. And it must have been general despair and depression as only studies couldn’t have bothered him so much. There was so much that i could have done differently and i dont think i can get rid of this guilt. I have an older son and everyone is saying that i have to live for him, but what if i fail him too…
    is it possible to live like this?

  8. Deppresson is a deadly disease and we need to have more respect for how dangerous it is. Depression distorts reality and feels never ending. I lost my beautiful 19 year old son 17 years ago to suicide and I miss him every day. Today I can see that he was over-whelmed with pain and could not see a way out. He is very loved and missed and his spirit gives me strength to see the beauty in life and try to live my life as full as I can in honor of hime. Love is what helps to heal the pain and helps you to see the light again. He is a gift and I thank God for allowing me to be his mother.

  9. My nephew, J, took his life on January 3rd. I can’t bear the pain of losing him and see the grief my sister is going through. He told his mom several times a couple of days before his passing that he was ready to meet God. She told him they could go to church together but he refused, that’s not the kind of meeting he was thinking about. He told several people that he was going to kill himself, and everybody told him to stop saying those crazy things, that he was young, handsome, fun, loving, hard-working, and loved by all. He sent his mom a text saying he loved her and to forgive him right before he took his life. He was 32 years old, the life of the party, loved to sing, loved people and people loved him back. He was incarcerated three times for a total of 7 years, his life had many ups and downs and I always feared he was going to die by a bullet. Never thought he would do it himself. I cannot fathom the demons he was fighting, the despair he was in, the hopelessness in his heart and soul, he was like the child I never had, and now he’s gone. I keep telling myself not to be selfish and think only of my suffering, but to think of his pain and how unbearable it made it to keep on living. My whole family is left with the what if’s, the should’ve’s, the guilt, the impotence of being unable to turn back time, and the why that will never be answered. I need to make peace with the fact that he needed his resting place, he was tired of fighting. I want to bring him back, I want to hug him, I want to touch him, I want to hear his voice, but he’s gone. I need to let him rest in peace. Fly high, my child, protect your mom and let her know that you’re ok. We failed you, please forgive us.

  10. My 23 year s old son took his life in 1989. Only just now I came across this page and now wanting a n answer to my question. we were immigrants and landed in Buffalo, N.Y. My son was brilliant and was awarded the presidential scholarship. I and my 2 other children were mighty pleased at his award. my husband made my son return the scholarship ‘Unhestatingly my son obeyed. My husband had a problem. He felt threatened when others fared better. our son lived a normal life but had a nervous breakdown at Aand M college in Texas. I brought hime home to Oregon….to cut a longs story short, I want to know whether returning the scholarship triggered depression and nervous breakdown? i divorced my husband in 1985 at the advice of y daughtr who said ” you should leave him he is atyrant” people say my divorce made my son take his life.

  11. My son took his own life. He was awarded the Presidential Scholarship.. My husband made him return it. Unhesitatingly he obeyed. Husband always felt threatened when others fared better than him. My daughter called him a tyrant and suggested I leave him, which I did. My son lived as normally as he could, but 4 years later took his life. Could the cause be dejection over the loss of his scholarship? I have gotten blamed for the divorce. Looking for the right answer since 1989.

  12. My son AJ died by suicide on Feb 1 2022, he was 20yrs old, while in the US Army, stationed in Tell Beydar Syria. In the weeks and months leading up to him doing this I sensed something had changed in him. But he kept denying anything was wrong, whenever I asked him how he was doing, he kept telling me he was fine, great. Nothing was wrong. He left 3 notes, one to his bf,one to his unit, and one to me. In all 3 notes he apologized for his actions, but told everyone to move on, because he was finally at peace.
    I still have the Ring video of the two Army men who came to notify me of his death. But I can’t bear to watch it.
    My son had a tough childhood, besides his mother and I getting divorced and sharing custody, his mother is a narcissist with borderline personality disorder. My son and his sister had to “take care” of her. She played horrible mind games with them. My daughter had a nervous breakdown at 14 yrs old. My son hung in there, but apparently that mental instability finally manifested itself in his 20’s.
    My son was awesome, he was rising threw the ranks rapidly, his leadership and fellow soldiers, have told me he cared for everyone, took charge, and was loved by ALL. Yet this High Functioning Depression, is what I believe set in,not set in, FINALLY took over. From childhood to adulthood, my son NEVER and I mean NEVER showed anger towards anyone. I remember telling his Stepmom,” I don’t think it’s normal that AJ never gets mad, I worry he might just explode one day.” Well that day came Feb 1st of this year.
    I have always told my kids this”I can’t help you unless you tell me something is wrong.” I see from reading the letters on this site, that there are many of us who have been blindsided by our children’s suicides. Just like all of you and your kids, I wish I could have helped AJ. All we have now are great memories of a really nice kid. And one terrible final memory. We will always remember the funny memories of AJ. But it’s that final memory unfortunately, that will stick in our minds and hearts forever. God Bless all our departed children. And the Lord ease our pain. Take care all of you. Talk to your kids while they’re still around you, plz.

  13. May 24,2022 will be one year that my only child, my beautiful wonderful 34 year old son took his life with a shot gun. He spoke to me the day before and he told me that something was troubling him. Wished I had listened to my instincts and not let him go from my home that day. But had no idea it would come to this. I keep playing it over and over again in my head. Wishing I could make more sense out of it all. I feel so distraught and am in heavy pain. Even after one year I am very angry, guilty, ect… I feel like I’m all alone in this. My husband, my son’s father does not talk much about it any more. Even though I know he’s troubled by it. I still go to his burial quite often. My husband not so much anymore. I understand we all deal with it differently. And he was my only child. My dad says it happens to everyone and you need to move on. This was my kid. The one I carried for nine months and gave birth too. I question the fact, will I ever be okay again? Will I be able to heal from this and only see good things about my son and not him taking a gun to his head. Because so far it has caused extreme mental pain in my thoughts. I will never get to experience mother’s day again, hug, kiss or hear I love you mom ever again. And I know for sure my son did love us very very much so. The one thing I do know is that I will be forever changed. If anyone out there reads this and has lost a child to suicide and years have passed I would like to know how you are dealing with it now.

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