Anticipatory Grief — An Ask Dr. Neimeyer Guest Column

Editor’s Note: This week we are printing a response to a recent Q&A on Anticipatory grief.   The author, Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP has written for AfterTalk several times in the past, and we value her thoughts. Below is “Judy’s” question and Dr. Neimeyer’s answer followed by Ms. Mary Jane Hurley Brant’s response.


Dear Dr. Neimeyer,

My question is about anticipatory grief, the distress that family members can feel when a loved one is receiving end-of-life care. I work in a palliative care unit of a large hospital, and we often have families who are overwhelmed with the reality of the patient’s impending death, to a point that they can’t take in the message that further treatment is medically futile–no amount of heroic interventions can restore the person to health, but only prolong the patient’s suffering. Almost always we can control the patient’s pain, and often do so in a way that permits conscious conversation, at least at times, with family members. But the further radiation treatments, surgeries, tube feeding and ventilation wanted by families who are “in denial” are anguishing to the patient who needlessly suffers them, as well as to staff who administer them.

So my question is, how can we talk to these families who seem to be seeking treatment for their own anticipatory grief, rather than for the ultimate benefit of the patient?


Dear Judy–

Just as you imply, most of us have a hard time taking in and integrating the reality of a loved one’s pending death, despite our best efforts to secure curative treatment. For a lifetime the patient has been a central part of our lives–a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child–and making sense of a complex and dire medical diagnosis and often highly technological treatment regimen can be nearly as cognitively daunting as imagining life without them is emotionally perturbing. Our research documents how the resulting anticipatory grief can be part of a worrisome cluster of problems, which are exacerbated for people who are by disposition prone to anxiety, have low social support, struggle with their spirituality and belief in a benign God in the face of their loved one’s suffering, experience high degrees of dependency on the dying patient and especially who have a hard time finding meaning in the hard transition and their life beyond it. Your compassionate question about how to broach such issues in the context of treatment decisions therefore is a delicate but critical one.

My basic suggestion would be to ground the discussion in hope. That is, what do they hope for their loved one, at this point in the illness? If a cure, what signs would the family look for to know whether that was likely or possible? What signs would suggest it is not? If the latter, what more might they hope for–perhaps the patient’s comfort, or some precious time to be with the other in earnest conversation, or even loving silence, while the patient is at peace? What do they hope for for themselves, and their children or other loved ones, going forward? What decisions about caring for the patient or themselves would best advance these goals? Having an unhurried conversation of this sort in a quiet, private space can help families feel heard, and open doors to realistic but empathic discussions about their fears and hopes, and what hospital staff, chaplains and physicians can do to support them. Where more support is needed, a referral to a therapist on staff or in the community can help provide more continuity of care, at the end of life for the patient, and for the family beyond.

–Dr. Neimeyer

Mary Jane Hurley Brant weighs in –

Dear Dr. Neimeyer,

anticipatory grief AfterTalkAnticipatory grief strikes at the heart of so many people I’ve worked with over the years and it strikes a chord in me; we see the end coming.  It’s a frightful feeling and it hurts so very much.  We hold on tight then we don’t then we do each time we see our loved one perk up.  Is this false hope?  Maybe a little yet is this so wrong?  Of course not.  I agree with you, Dr. Neimeyer that hope is a really good thing; it elevates the heart of everyone involved in caring for and loving the patient. In those final hours, that shared silence you speak of, becomes a single note to sooth the soul on its journey.

I think it’s also helpful to be aware of who among the caregivers has the best way of being with the person who is ill and sometimes – for different conversational moments – there can be several people.  What if one person can make the patient laugh just one more day?  What if one friend can share stories of long ago and far away in revere and the patient becomes that teenager once more sitting in her flaming red Jeep with the top down and the doors off?

That was our Katie, she always wanted to remember and then dream some more.  She could elevate everyone’s spirits. “Mom, can we go to Africa?”  The thought of my daughter and me traveling there with her health scared me and I knew it could never be but my response?  “Well, we’ll have to talk about how we can do this.”  That was enough and she loved the dream.  Was it hard for me to do that?  You bet it was hard but really, in the final hours I believe that it’s not about us; it’s about the patient and his or her needs.  Think about the importance of having some sense of control over one’s own death?  Might that not be the final gift we can give to someone who we love with all of our hearts.  And if they are not in danger then, as the Beatles always sang, “Let it Be.”


Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP

About Mary Jane Hurley Brant

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP is practicing psychotherapist, Certified Group Psychotherapist/grief specialist for 38 years, author of When Every Day Matters, essayist of both serious and humorous pieces. Her primary specialty is the loss of a child. A rich clinical expertise and loss of her daughter, Katie, give Mary Jane a heart for helping parents process their grief, especially mothers. Her website is

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